Men Are Jerks...And Gentlemen

I grew up with Disney, so I know the idea of a "Prince Charming" well.  The man I had always dreamed about would be sweet, romantic, and tend to my every need.  He would be dazzled by my beauty, sweep in, and beg for my affections.  He would hang on my every word and do anything I asked of him.  I would be the center of his universe.  This is what I used to believe.  What do I think of the idea of Prince Charming now? 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

My cute and innocent image of men was shattered when I started dating Ben.  When I wanted him to rescue me from "drowning" in the swimming pool, he dunked me under the water.  When I wanted him to say I was still beautiful after a long day of work, he said I looked like a wreck.  He could be a real jerk sometimes.  But right when I was about to go insane, Ben would do something unexpectedly sweet.  He would send me a poem via text message.  He would bring home a surprise treat for me, like cookies or candy.  He would tenderly check an injury I had obtained while playing soccer.  However, in the case of the soccer incident, Ben then proceeded to poke my injury and laugh.

YOU STUPID BOY!!!!!!!

 
He totally just ruined the moment!  I just couldn't handle it!  One moment he was a jerk, the next moment he was a gentleman, and then a jerk again!  Make up your mind, already!  It was impossible for me to decide whether he was the gentleman I always wanted, or a jerk that I didn't need.  How could I tell which one he was if he kept fluctuating all of the time between jerk and gentleman?  This bothered me for a long time.  The answer came in the most unexpected way: through an article in an "Oprah" magazine that I was skimming through during a pedicure.  In the article, a group of women were discussing men (of course).  One of the women was bothered by the same oxymoron that was bothering me: was her boyfriend a jerk or a gentleman?  Most of her friends said that despite his gentlemanly moments, since he had jerk moments too, he couldn't be trusted.  One of her quieter friends, however, presented this insight: "What if he's both?"

Mind = blown

This simple phrase changed how I view men, marriage, and all relationships.  Human beings are imperfect, and we are not one-dimensional.  My emotions fluctuate between happiness and sorrow and insanity on a daily basis (just ask my husband).  Anyone who has developed a close relationship with anyone knows there are many sides to a person, but it does not change the fact that they are still, in the end, exactly who they are.  For example, Ben can be a jerk, but he can also be a gentleman.  And despite what side he fluctuates on, he will always be Ben, an imperfect yet wonderful human being.  It was only when I could love the complete and whole Ben, and not just his gentlemanly side, that I experienced true and unconditional love.  They never teach you that in the Disney movies!  It's a true and deep concept that is even greater than the "happily ever after" idea, and it can only be learned through sacrifice.  Ben loves and accepts me, whether I am an angel or a...um, witch.  It took me a while, but I learned to do the same for him, and I am a million times happier because of it (and I think he is, too).  So whenever he has one of his jerk moments, I just smile inwardly and know it will only be a matter of time before he switches back to being a gentleman.  Until then, I keep loving him for exactly who he is: my eternal companion and dearest friend.

A Happy Fool

There is a lot of danger out there, and don't get me wrong, bad things happen to people everyday.  Severe illness, rape, house fire, and unexpected death are just a few.  Bad things could happen to you, and they could happen to me.  As a person with anxiety, you would think I would be tormented by the countless "what-ifs" that could happen to me at anytime.  I do worry about losing my husband, or getting attacked, but surprisingly, I don't worry about stuff like that too often.  I do some things to prevent and prepare for the "what ifs," but in the end, I don't really think about them.  Maybe I'm a fool for it.  On the one hand, I live without fear, so life could blindside me at any moment.  On the other hand, I live without fear, and that is a blessing in itself.

My husband is very interested in self-defense techniques such as reading body language, and he's always practicing drills with his gun.  He'll probably be a lot more prepared than I am to handle an emergency.  I want to learn how to use a kubotan (future post, maybe?) and take karate lessons one day, but I do these things because they're interesting to me, not because I am driven by fear.  There was a time when anxious thoughts clouded my mind.  I was afraid of the smallest things, and worried about the future constantly.  I was miserable all day, every day.  I just could not live like that.  One of the practices of unconditional living is to let go of the past and don't worry about the future.  This doesn't mean that I don't plan for things, especially emergencies.  It means that if I focus on the 5% of life that is bad, or could be bad, I miss out on the 95% of life that is happy and beautiful.  A boiling tragedy may be waiting around the corner for me sometime in the future, but as long as I live in the present, I am happy today.  I may be a fool for being like this, but at least I'm a happy fool.

This concept also applies to my religion.  Even the most stalwart saint has doubts sometimes about their religion.  Is there really a God?  What if I'm wrong and there's nothing waiting for me on the "other side?"  What if this life is all I got?  These fears might drive someone to live on the wild side of life and do what they want (like that silly phrase "YOLO").  But honestly, when did riotous living ever make someone happy?  No amount of money, partying, or sex can bring the kind of joy that unconditional living brings.  YOLO is all about seeking more; unconditional living is all about appreciating what you already have.  I might be a fool for believing in God, but since my religion makes me happy, then I will be a happy fool.  I'll worry about what will really happen on the other side when the time actually comes to go to the other side.  Until then, I will live the way that makes me happy, and unconditional living is that way.

I know what it is like to live in constant fear because anxiety made me that way for a long time.  Even if it's "realistic," I just won't live that way.  It's too dark and miserable.  I choose to embrace unconditional living because it combats my anxiety and brings happiness to my life.  No matter what life throws at me, good or bad, I want to be a happy fool.    
 

Image from Live Life Bigger

Unconditional - In Pokemon and Life

Several months ago, I wrote a post about PETA's anti-Pokemon campaign.  On the one hand, I thought it was utter nonsense.  On the other hand, it got me thinking.  One of the things that has always frustrated me about Pokemon is that if you want to be a "professional trainer," there are only a handful of Pokemon that are strong enough to use on a professional level.  There are over 500 Pokemon now, and roughly, only 30 Pokemon are "good enough" to be on professional teams.  Therefore, when I look at top-level Pokemon tournaments, I see the same Pokemon used again and again.  How sad is that?  Blinded by their ambition to win, people miss out on raising all of the other Pokemon and experiencing their unique strengths and weaknesses.  Then it hit me: I'm one of those people.  I was so caught up in raising the strongest Pokemon that I was ignoring all of the other "weaker" Pokemon.  What's more, I stressed over the entire process, worrying that I would mess up or invest in the wrong Pokemon.  I was doing exactly what I was accusing other people of doing.  So I erased my Pokemon game and started over with a change of heart.  This time, I took the time to raise each and every Pokemon with love and care.  It didn't matter if they were weak, or had unfavorable stats, or had "Run Away" as their ability.  I raised each Pokemon unconditionally.  I have raised 190 Pokemon so far, and I'm loving it!  Each Pokemon is so special with their own personality and talents.  I'm so happy I was able to break away from my former mindset.  Otherwise, I would never been able to experience so much, well, happiness.  Whoever thought that a simple little change could make a video game so much fun?

Image by Hhell

The concept of living unconditionally is something I have been working on ever since I developed anxiety.  I was plagued by so many perceptions and expectations that I missed out on all of the beauty and wonder in the world around me.  I was also haunted by guilt from the past and fear of the future.  It was only when I learned to live in the present that I recognized that every moment is a priceless gift that can be mine to enjoy.  Living unconditionally is a work in progress, and I certainly can't be unconditional all the time (as it is, perfectionism has no place in unconditional living, anyway).  I could go on and on about how living unconditionally has changed my life, but that would take a long time.  I'll touch on some of the finer points in other posts.  I just wanted to share how living unconditionally has helped me be a happier person, even in the video games I play.  This is a philosophy that I will continue to develop and nurture as I go through life.  'Cause, let's face it, life is about finding happiness.  A lot of people go about it the wrong way, though.  They chase after money, or fame, or achievement trying to get it, but the secret to happiness is in your grasp, right here, right now.  It's that simple.  All you have to do is embrace it, unconditionally.

Walk, Don't Run

I hate exercise.  I just hate it.  On and off throughout the years, I get all determined to get in shape.  I buy exercise clothes, get a gym membership, and feel all pumped up.  Then I actually start exercising.  I really respect people who get energized from exercising, like my husband.  Exercising drains me, physically and mentally.  Rather than giving me feel-good endorphins, I feel like I'm stuck on a torture machine.  This concerns my husband; he's worried that I'm dangerously out of shape.  But I think it's simply because I hate exercise.  The concept of running on a machine just for the purpose of getting tired is depressing.  It's not enjoyable, and I don't have the self-discipline to do it for the end product.  It's just...not natural.

Thankfully, there is more than one way to exercise, and I finally found my way: walking.  Every morning that Ben is home, I wake up fairly early and walk for two miles around my neighborhood.  I take in the fresh air and enjoy the scenery.  It's my quiet time to think and recharge my introvert batteries.  I walk at a steady pace for an hour and (*le gasp*) I actually feel energized afterwards!  It's a miracle!  Could it be that I actually like exercising now?  Yes and no.  In order to build a positive relationship with exercise, I had to find what worked for me.  Granted, walking is good exercise, but I'm certainly not "in shape".  In order to truly stretch and grow, I would have to push my body past it's comfort zone by doing some hard exercise.  But I'm not interested in that at this point in my life.  I want to be active, but I also want to enjoy it.

This is a philosophy that is present throughout my life.  I don't want to do things because I "should."  "Should" is a very dangerous word.  It evokes guilt, which for me, evokes anxiety.  I want to do what's right for my body, but I want to do it because I want to.  This goes for scripture study, cleaning, and yes, even blogging.  Back in my perfectionist days, I charted everything I did.  I would write up a Sunday through Saturday chart with the determination that I would accomplish a certain task (i.e. exercising) each day, and I would put the check mark on it to prove it.  But what if something came up and I was unable to exercise that day?  There would be a big blank spot on my chart, and my perfectionism would go crazy.  Now, I live without charts, without the "should" hanging over my head.  I take walks because I want to, and it makes my happy.  And guess what?  I have been taking these walks for over a month.  I have never stuck with exercise that long before!  And it's all because I do what makes me happy.  I don't have to push myself or trick myself or bribe myself to do it; I just do it because I want to.

Are there "should"s hanging over your head in your life?  I challenge you to try looking at it another way.  Try finding what makes you happy, and throw away the charts with the accusatory blank spots.  Just do what makes you happy, and you will find that you won't have to make yourself do it anymore.  You'll just want to.

Wasting Time

I used to hide the fact that I play Pokemon games because I was worried about what other people would think of me.  After all, Pokemon is a children's game.  Thanks to my husband, who assured me that there's nothing wrong with me playing Pokemon, I am now open with everyone about it and I'm not embarrassed anymore.  Well, most of the time...  Every once in a while, I begin to question my Pokemon hobby, especially when I am playing in a public place (like waiting at the dentist office).  The biggest thing I worry about is this: am I just wasting my time?

I've noticed that the female gender spends most of their time improving themselves in some form or fashion.  They read magazines to learn how to lose weight, decorate their houses, and bake cute desserts.  There are thousands of new ways to sew, decorate a party, grow a garden, save money, be fashionable...  The list of productive things to do never seems to end.  And the funny thing is, no matter how much a woman seems to accomplish, she never seems satisfied.  After all, there will always be new things to do.  Mind you, I believe it's always good to learn and grow, but after a long day's work, what if I just want to play Pokemon?  What if I just want to collect and raise virtual creatures on a video game?  Somehow, this seems like a bad thing to do.  I mean, if I just wanted to relax after working all day, I could at least do something like read a book or get on Facebook.  No one gets judged for doing these things, whether at a dentist office or at home.  They are more "productive", and therefore, more accepted.

But what is the reason for reading a book, or commented on Facebook, or playing a video game?  I would hope the reason is simply this: to bring happiness to the participant.  If the end goal is the same, then what does it matter what the activity is?  I remind myself that playing Pokemon makes me happy, so I have no reason to feel embarrassed or ashamed about playing it.  If cooking makes someone happy, then they should cook.  If exercising makes someone happy, then they should exercise.  If playing Pokemon makes someone happy, then they should play Pokemon.  It's good to seek improvement, but one thing anxiety has taught me is to just be happy with the person I am today.  I can do so much more with myself, but then again, I've already done so much.  Recognizing this and celebrating it is just as important as looking for the next big thing to work on.  Before anxiety, I used to base my self-worth and personal happiness off of the things I was able to accomplish (I'll write another blog post about this specifically in the future).  I was never satisfied with my progress, always worrying about not being good enough, and feeling guilty when I wasn't constantly improving myself.  Then anxiety came, and I thought my life was over.  Little did I know that anxiety would teach me so many beautiful truths that I was previously blind to.  Who knew that anxiety would lead me to true happiness and acceptance?  Today, I am happy with who I am, and there is no reason why I should feel any differently.

Is there something you like to do that brings you happiness?  Do you often feel guilty while doing it because it's not "productive"?  I'd like to challenge you to let go of that guilt and just be happy.  You are just as wonderful today as you will be tomorrow; you don't have to accomplish this or that to be worthy of happiness right now.  I know this is one of life's beautiful truths, and I hope it will eventually change your perspective on yourself like it did mine.

 

Check It Out! - Zen Habits

When I first developed my full-blown anxiety disorder, I was in a lot of turmoil.  Things that had once seemed simple were suddenly complicated.  The life I knew was turned upside down, and I was lost in my own despair.  Many things helped me through the Dark Ages (i.e. my religion, my husband, my mom, etc.), but today, I want to focus on a blog that really taught me the minimalist philosophy that helps me combat my anxiety everyday.

Zen Habits is a blog that introduced me to the idea that the best way to overcome my anxiety was to...breathe, be still, and let go.  I was a dire hard perfectionist until anxiety burst my bubble and left me feeling like a total loser.  I thought that the way to overcome my anxiety was to get my act back together and go back to accomplishing things like a champ.  But the reality was this: even when I thought I was accomplishing things, I was really accomplishing nothing.  One of the greatest things that my anxiety disorder has taught me is that my previous life was filled with pride that had no substance.  Losing my perfectionism was insanely painful, but today, I can say that I am grateful for the things I've learned through my anxiety.

Oh dear, where was I?  That's right.  Zen Habits introduced me to some minimalist philosophies that, at first, drove me crazy.  For example, when I was a perfectionist, I always created goals for myself, and felt like a failure when I did not meet them.  One of Zen Habit's philosophies is to live without goals.  What?!  How was I supposed to be worthwhile if I didn't set and accomplish goals?  That was the thing: I was already worthwhile.  Anxiety made me believe that I had to do all of these things to be worth anything, but as a Child of God, I was already worth everything.  It took time, but Zen Habits helped me realize this.

See my blog post "What Makes Me Significant?"

Another philosophy that Zen Habits taught me was to stop putting expectations on everything.  When Ben and I were engaged, I expected him to do and think and act in all the ways I wanted him to.  In my anxious state, I put a lot of pressure on him, and it almost tore us apart.  Zen Habits taught me that instead of expecting things from people and getting disappointed when things don't go my way, I can be grateful for the wonderful relationship I have with that person, whatever it may be.  This was an eye-opened experience for me, because I thought I could shape and mold my future husband like wet clay into the vessel I wanted.  Little did I know that my husband was already perfect the way he was; all I had to do was realize it.  It's kind of like when a kid realizes that Christmas isn't about getting presents, but giving them.  I remember the night that this concept really sunk into my soul.  I wrote a little poem that summed up my feelings pretty well:

I thought marriage was about spoiling me,

But marriage is about changing me.

I thought marriage was about serving me,

But marriage is about purifying me.

I thought marriage was about kissing me,

But marriage is about teaching me.

I thought marriage was about being the perfect wife,

But marriage is about preparing for Celestial Life.

And I learned to do the same for me.  I stopped pressuring myself and just appreciated myself for who I was.  I was perfect the way I was; I just had to realize it. 

Zen Habits has plenty of posts on how to set goals and change yourself into a better person, but what really touched my heart was the lessons of simplicity that helped me let go of the last traces of my perfectionism.  It's only when I was able to do this that I truly began to get better.  Please check out the Zen Habits blog.  It's a wonderful and uplifting place, and most of the blogs reflect the new and simple way I live my life (and trust me, I don't miss my old life one bit!)  Below are some direct links to some of my favorite posts, or just click here to go right to the website.  Thanks for reading, and remember...breathe.

How to Be Happy Anytime
Toss Your Expectations Into the Ocean
The Illusion of Control
Be Still