My name is Abbey, and there are a lot of unique things about me. First, I'm a right-brained learner. This basically means that I'm blessed with high imagination and cursed with anxiety. Second, I'm a Latter-Day Saint, who is amazed by the goodness of the Lord and all He does for me in my life. Third, I am an unschooler. The biggest lesson I learned from this education is to love learning and to pursue my passions. This blog is a collection of personal musings that will probably fall into one of these catogories. Thanks for visiting!


*All stamps courtesy of Mirz123

Monday, September 23, 2013

Love Notes - Music Style!

My #1 love language is words of affirmations, and although this doesn't necessarily mean that it's my husband's #1 love language, he does appreciate it when I leave little love notes for him (and being a word person, I love writing them!)  It doesn't have to be anything fancy or artsy; a quick note jotted down on a post-it note and stuck to his computer screen lets him know I'm thinking of him.


As fun as love notes are, I wanted to do something extra special for Ben one day.  I was feeling especially full of love for him, and a mere note didn't seem good enough.  So I created my very own musical love note!  This is how it works.  While listening to music from various artists on the radio or at home, I occasionally hear a song that perfectly represents my feelings toward Ben.  I download the song onto iTunes and pick a place I want to start my musical love note (including the entire song would be a bit overwhelming for both the giver and the receiver).  I then write the words of the song and draw pictures to accompany them in a way that's fun and personal.  Below is the cover and first page of the most recent musical love note I made for Ben.  The song is "Gone, Gone, Gone" by Phillip Phillips and I started the note at the bridge ("you're my backbone, you're my cornerstone, you're my crutch when my legs stop moving").


As you can see, the musical love note is nothing fancy.  I made it with copy paper and crayons in just a few minutes.  But it made Ben so happy to receive it.  Like me, music touches him in a very deep way.  And you know what is the best part about making these love notes?  When I take the time and effort to create these kind of things for Ben, my love for him increases as a result.  Some people say love is a verb, not a passive description; in order to feel love, you have to love first.  I believe this is true, because every time I do a little act of kindness for Ben, my love for him grows stronger and stronger.  If I'm feeling needy, I don't always seek affirmation from Ben.  Sometimes, all I need to do is make a little love note for him.  There's something about showing love to someone else that makes me forget my own problems.  It makes his day better, and at the same time, makes my day better, too.  It's a very special and fun tradition that I hope to continue throughout the years.  

Image from FineArtAmerica

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

I Miss My Man

Earlier this month, my wonderful husband got his very first nursing job at Alamance Health Care Center.  This is an exciting milestone for both of us since he has been looking for a job for several months without any success.  With this new job, not only will we be financially secure, but Ben will be able to find new fulfillment in developing his new career.  And I get to be the good wife who makes his lunch and leave little notes in his bag.  ^_^  Everything seemed to be going just right.  About a week ago, however, I realized I was getting kind of depressed.  I was spending too much time in front of the computer and eating crappy food.  After some soul-searching, I realize that I'm just missing Ben.  I mean, before his new job, we spent most of the day together.  Even if we weren't directly interacting together, he was always close by.  And sure, we do get to spend a little time together after he comes home from work, but he has a lot of responsibilities outside of his job, too.  On top of that, he has to wake up r-e-a-l-l-y early, so he has to go to bed way before I do.  I'm happy that he's working, and I'm grateful for the money it provides us, and I knew this was coming anyway!  I guess I just didn't realize that I'd have to go through an emotional adjustment.  The first thing I thought of as I started working through my feelings was a hip-hop dance from season 4 of "So You Think You Can Dance."  It was performed by Chelsie Hightower and Mark Kanemura to the song "Bleeding Love."  It's a beautiful and emotional dance that depicts a man getting ready to leave for his job, but the woman wants him to stay and be with her.  He has to go eventually, though, and you can just feel the woman's loneliness as he walks away.  There are many interpretations of the dance, but to me, it represents the turmoil I feel right now.  I miss Ben; I'd keep him by my side all day if I could, but I can't.  I can't be selfish. I know I'll get to the other side of this and be perfectly fine.  After all, Ben is going to have to work for many, many years to come.  But it's okay that I feel a little sad right now.  Some people might roll their eyes at such puppy-dog-like love, but I treasure this stage in our relationship.  Ben and I have only been married for two and half years; our love is still young and not worn down by time and hardship.  My sadness may be silly, but it's real, and it helps me love Ben even more.

Sunday, July 14, 2013

Pixelmon - Minecraft and Pokemon Unite

Header of Pixelmon's official website

I love Pokemon and I love Minecraft, and I just discovered the unthinkable.  My two favorite games have been merged into one awesome experience: Pixelmon.  I have known about Minecraft mods for a long time now.  They are variations of the game that are often created by fans and are often free to use.  Below are a few examples:

Image by kingbdogz
The Aether Mod
By creating a special portal, Minecraft players are whisked away to a floating world with new crafting materials (like Zanite and Aerclouds) and new mobs (like Flying Cows and Whirlwinds).

Image by toesmash
BuildCraft
This mod adds many industrial materials and crafting options, including: pipes, engines, lasers, and
more.





Image by Paulo Guilherme

More Explosions Mod
Who doesn't enjoy blowing things up?  This mod introduces many forms of explosives beyond Minecraft's standard TNT, including grenades, time bombs, C4, nukes (pictured), and more.



However, since mods are not official additions to Minecraft, it takes some work to install them, and sometimes they can corrupt your game or cause it to crash.  Because of this, I have always been too intimidated to install any sort of Minecraft mod.  I was always content to watch other people on Youtube play them.  Until I discovered Pixelmon, that is.  As I learned more about the mod, the more excited I became.  Over one hundred Pokemon wander the different biomes of Minecraft, able to be captured by Pokeballs you craft yourself.  After catching them, you can battle the Pokemon with wild ones so it can gain experience, level up, and learn new moves.  Despite my past inhibitions about mods, I was eager to try Pixelmon out.



(When starting your first game, you get to pick one of four starter Pokemon:
Bulbasaur, Charmander, Squirtle, or Eevee).


I found this mod installation tutorial by LittleLizardGaming invaluable in installing Pixelmon to my Minecraft.  The person speaks clearly and gives easy-to-follow directions from start to finish.  There are, however, a couple things I realized after installing this mod:

1. Once you install a mod, you cannot switch back to the original Minecraft or another mod without having to remove and reinstall files, sometimes resulting in losing all of your saved games.

2. Mods are more complicated to install in the latest version of Minecraft (v. 1.6.2).  The tutorial video above shows how to install mods in versions 1.5.2 and older.

That being said, after spending hours of tweaking and fiddling, I figured out a way to have two Minecraft launchers on my computer at the same time, one with the original game, the other with Pixelmon.  That way, I don't have to go through the trouble of moving files, reinstalling launchers, or losing my saved games.  I will share how to do this in a future blog post.  Until then, don't be afraid to give mods a shot.  They add variety and excitement to a game that was already incredible.   

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Art - It's Not Just About Drawing (Part 1)

I love to browse artwork on Deviantart.com because I am reminded, again and again, that art is not just about drawing.  There are so many beautiful and breath-taking ways to create art that I never knew existed.  Below is a sampling of some of the unique styles of art that I have discovered on Deviantart.com that are far beyond paper and pen.  

Sculptures



Sculptures, poseable or not, are abundant on Deviantart.  Wood-Splitter-Lee is by far the most talented sculptress I have ever seen on Deviantart, period.  Her fantasy animals (shown above) are colorful and majestic.  If I had the money, I would buy one of her sculptures in a heartbeat.  *sigh*  Maybe one day...


Clay Miniatures



I never knew clay could look so delicious...  All of these miniature foods, made by the incredible Fairchildart, looks good enough to eat.  They are delicate pieces of art that would look wonderful in a dollhouse.


Origami
By Mangakasma
By Origamimodulowe
And I thought folding a paper crane was difficult enough.  @_@  Origami, specifically 3-D origami, is becoming an art sensation that is bright, complex, and requires tons of paper.


Furniture
By Erez-mor

By ColeHastings
I'm especially a big fan of the awesome monster seat.  :D  These unique pieces of furniture brings a dash of fantasy into anyone's home.


Jewelry
By Create-A-Pendant

By PeregrineStudios

By YelerCrakka

I'm such a sucker when it comes to jewelry, whether it's girly or totally nerdy (the flower is beautiful, but I'm a huge fan of the Zelda ocarina rings and Pokeball bracelet).  If I had it my way, I would order every single piece of custom jewelry on Deviantart.


This post is already huge, and I have many more categories to showcase!  Looks like I'm going to need to write a follow-up blog post about art that's not drawing.  :)  Be on the lookout for the sequel, which will contain more awesome art including:
- Crochet/Felting
- Photography
- Baking
- Face paint/Special effects
- Costumes/Cosplay
- Beading
- Stuffed animals

Monday, June 24, 2013

"I Had a Moment" #1 - New Cartoon Series!

I have a lot of fun using memes to express things in my blog posts, so I thought it would be fun to create my very own cartoon series based off of the little moments in life that are both frustrating and hilarious at the same time.  It's currently called "I Had a Moment," but I'm open to other name ideas.  I hope you enjoy, and look for more comics in the near future!


Thursday, May 16, 2013

Swearing and Youtube

I love Youtube!  If I want to find old television shows, I can find it on Youtube.  If I want to see if a new video game is any good, I can find it on Youtube.  And there are so many creative and hilarious series, too.  There is just one big problem with Youtube...the swearing, in both the videos and the comments.



No matter what I'm looking for on Youtube, swearing seems to be everywhere.  I love watching people play video games on Youtube, especially scary video games, but they have the tendency to cuss a lot when they're scared.  Heck, even when they're not scared, they cuss a lot.  It's a shame, because there are quite a few people on the Internet that I've had to give up watching because of their language.  It's a painful severance every time...  I discover them, check out their funny videos, and become a hopeless fan girl.  If I ran into them on the street, I would scream and ask for their autographs.  After a while, however, their swearing gets to me.  As much as I try to ignore it, I have to unsubscribe from them and walk away forever.  Well, that's not exactly true.  My biggest guilty pleasure is to sneak back onto their channels and watch their videos (and get caught by my husband, haha!)  Nevertheless, I know I have to break the habit, because being exposed to that much swearing isn't good for me.  It's just not fair!  Why do they have to swear so much?  :'(

The people I had to give up...  From left: Markiplier, the Yogscast, Pewdiepie, and Yamimash.

There is, however, a ray of hope for me.  There is one Youtube user that only uses minor swearwords, is amazingly creative and talented, and is doggone cute: Tobuscus.

a.k.a. Toby Turner

Although he still swears, he is 95% cleaner than any of the Youtubers listed above.  And he creates all sorts of interesting videos: shorts, animated cartoons, music videos (with songs he writes and performs himself), literal music videos (hilarious!), video game walkthroughs and commentaries, rants, vlogs, and more!  He is so cool and nerdy and epic, I have officially added "meet Toby Turner" on my bucket list.  I still would not recommend his channel for kids under 12, but he is a clean alternative to all of the potty-mouths out there.

Of course, there is at least one person on Youtube who does not swear at all...me!  Inspired by those listed above, I have begun recording myself playing various video games and uploading them to my Youtube channel.  So far, I have videos of Minecraft, Slender, and Tokyo Jungle with many more to come.  I also have music videos, shorts, and frogs!  Check my channel often for new videos, and if you have a certain video game you want me to play or want to see a tutorial on how to make something, please let me know through my email or the comments below.  Youtube might be a breeding ground for swear words, but there are some clean people out there who want to entertain without bad language.  Keep trying to find those people, and long live Youtube!


Monday, May 6, 2013

Opening Pandora's Box

One of my biggest anti-anxiety techniques is to live in the present, because the past makes me guilty and the future makes me worried.  Living in the here and now helps me enjoy life and be happy.  However, I was raised with the belief that I can always improve myself, and I should look for opportunities to do so.  I still believe in this philosophy, but sometimes it butts head with my anxiety.  For example, I struggle with daily scripture study because of the guilt I often feel when I'm reminded of just how imperfect I am.  I try to counter this guilt with some of my anti-anxiety techniques, such as achieving a healthy balance verses "all-or-nothing" thinking.  Still, it's never fun to open the Pandora Box in my life.  In fact, a few days ago, I went through the all-too-unpleasant experience once again.  It went something like this:

"Herp, derp.  I've been feeling so good these days, I think it's time to set a new self-improvement goal for myself."


As I seek self-improvement, I'm forced to face all of the anxieties that I had been so careful to avoid during my day-to-day life (a.k.a. open the Pandora Box)




My blissful 'live in the present' philosophy crumbles under the scrutiny of my weaknesses.  At first, I'm like this ("I haven't changed at all!"), and then I'm like...


"Don't talk to me.  I hate everyone and everything right now."


With time, the irritability and anxiety of opening my Pandora Box fades away, allowing me to pursue my self-improvement goal after all.  It's an unfortunate occurrence that is both maddening and hilarious at the same time.  However, improvement is important to me, so I've learned to accept the temporary discouragement of my Pandora's Box in order to stretch and grow.  It's just another way I have to live with my anxiety.  I suppose it's not ideal, but it's reality, and I'm okay with that.  In the end, I get past my hateful mode (haha) and get back to being happy again.  It's an ongoing process that I hope will get better with time.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

The Death and Rebirth of Journaling

One of my senior pictures starring a stack of my journals, taken in 2009

From 1999 to 2010, I kept journals the traditional way: with pen and paper.  I have several dozen journals that range in many sizes and shapes and colors.  They are filled with memories, dreams, stories, and even drawings.  Whenever I experienced something amazing, I journaled.  Whenever I felt frustrated, I journaled.  Writing my thoughts and feelings down was a form of therapy for me, which is why I journaled nearly every day.  My journals are priceless treasures that I will always cherish and protect.  However, my anxiety disorder led to the death of journaling for me.

It sounds awfully sad, and it kind of is, but I promise that there is a happy ending to this post.  My anxiety disorder is centered around unhealthy thoughts, and journaling is all about writing thoughts down.  Therein lied the problem.  When I tried to journal out my feelings like I always had in the past, only the twisted, anxious thoughts came out.  As these twisted thoughts were translated into physical form, they gained more strength and greater validity.  They became more real than they were supposed to be.  Journaling was actually making my anxiety worse.  In order to break the choking grasp anxiety had on my mind, I had to stop journaling.  I had to stop soul searching and close my mind for a season.  I had to learn to live in the moment, recognize and appreciate the beauty in the world all around me that was real and tangible.  This helped lessen the power of my anxiety, and eventually I learned enough skills to keep it out of my mind for good.  The question then became: do I begin journaling again?

While I was still learning to deal with my anxiety, I started this little blog called "Anxiously Engaged."  I had tried and failed to keep a blog in the past, but for some reason, I stuck with this one.  I found it was easy to post something every week, and I had a ton of fun putting together my resource pages.  Today, I have developed a  love of blogging and plan to keep at it until who-knows-when.  Turns out, blogging has become my new form of journaling.  I can still write out my thoughts and feelings about all sorts of things, but because it's public, I'm refrained from delving too deep into anxious thoughts.  Maybe I will journal with paper and pen again one day, but until then, blogging is just as good.  Sometime soon, I want to print out all of my blog posts and put them in a binder.  In that way, it will be like my old journals after all.  

Image by st3to
"The nicest part is being able to write down all my thoughts and feelings; otherwise, I might suffocate."   
      --Anne Frank, from The Diary of a Young Girl

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Men Are Jerks...And Gentlemen

I grew up with Disney, so I know the idea of a "Prince Charming" well.  The man I had always dreamed about would be sweet, romantic, and tend to my every need.  He would be dazzled by my beauty, sweep in, and beg for my affections.  He would hang on my every word and do anything I asked of him.  I would be the center of his universe.  This is what I used to believe.  What do I think of the idea of Prince Charming now? 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

My cute and innocent image of men was shattered when I started dating Ben.  When I wanted him to rescue me from "drowning" in the swimming pool, he dunked me under the water.  When I wanted him to say I was still beautiful after a long day of work, he said I looked like a wreck.  He could be a real jerk sometimes.  But right when I was about to go insane, Ben would do something unexpectedly sweet.  He would send me a poem via text message.  He would bring home a surprise treat for me, like cookies or candy.  He would tenderly check an injury I had obtained while playing soccer.  However, in the case of the soccer incident, Ben then proceeded to poke my injury and laugh.

YOU STUPID BOY!!!!!!!
 
He totally just ruined the moment!  I just couldn't handle it!  One moment he was a jerk, the next moment he was a gentleman, and then a jerk again!  Make up your mind, already!  It was impossible for me to decide whether he was the gentleman I always wanted, or a jerk that I didn't need.  How could I tell which one he was if he kept fluctuating all of the time between jerk and gentleman?  This bothered me for a long time.  The answer came in the most unexpected way: through an article in an "Oprah" magazine that I was skimming through during a pedicure.  In the article, a group of women were discussing men (of course).  One of the women was bothered by the same oxymoron that was bothering me: was her boyfriend a jerk or a gentleman?  Most of her friends said that despite his gentlemanly moments, since he had jerk moments too, he couldn't be trusted.  One of her quieter friends, however, presented this insight: "What if he's both?"

Mind = blown

This simple phrase changed how I view men, marriage, and all relationships.  Human beings are imperfect, and we are not one-dimensional.  My emotions fluctuate between happiness and sorrow and insanity on a daily basis (just ask my husband).  Anyone who has developed a close relationship with anyone knows there are many sides to a person, but it does not change the fact that they are still, in the end, exactly who they are.  For example, Ben can be a jerk, but he can also be a gentleman.  And despite what side he fluctuates on, he will always be Ben, an imperfect yet wonderful human being.  It was only when I could love the complete and whole Ben, and not just his gentlemanly side, that I experienced true and unconditional love.  They never teach you that in the Disney movies!  It's a true and deep concept that is even greater than the "happily ever after" idea, and it can only be learned through sacrifice.  Ben loves and accepts me, whether I am an angel or a...um, witch.  It took me a while, but I learned to do the same for him, and I am a million times happier because of it (and I think he is, too).  So whenever he has one of his jerk moments, I just smile inwardly and know it will only be a matter of time before he switches back to being a gentleman.  Until then, I keep loving him for exactly who he is: my eternal companion and dearest friend.

Thursday, March 28, 2013

Tokyo Jungle Guide - It's Finally Done!

I love working on big, extensive projects.  They bring on a rush of creativity and get me so excited.  I delve right into the project with a really strong beginning.  By the time I get halfway through the project, however, I start to fizzle out.  The project becomes more laborious than fun, and the end is still a long way off.  At this point, I am always sorely tempted to "take a break" from the project and start a new one.  This was the case with my Tokyo Jungle Guide.  Typically, if you want to get some tips about a video game, you can Google the title and find a lot of different fan-made guides to help you out.  When I typed in Tokyo Jungle, however, I could not find a single guide on the Internet.  I was all like:

"Now's my chance to do something no one else on the Internet has ever done before!"

So I got started on my Tokyo Jungle guide right away!  I love collecting data and organizing it, and plus, I got to play one of my favorite video games over and over.  It just didn't get any better!  But when I hit the halfway mark, I was sick and tired of Tokyo Jungle.  The thrill of the project had worn off, and since I was spending so much time playing a video game, I felt like a neglectful wife and a worthless bum.  But right-brainers are infamous for not finishing what they begin, so I was determined to complete my project before starting a new one.  I've been working on my Tokyo Jungle guide for over a month now...and it's finally done!  I'm sure only a few people will actually download and use it, but I'm proud of what I have accomplished.  Being able to finish this guide means I have what it takes to push through the pain and put out a finished project to the world, something that I've always had trouble with.  Who knows, maybe this success will be the catalyst that helps me finally finish my book.  Whatever the future may hold, behold!  My Tokyo Jungle guide!  Read it and be amazed!  :D


Oh, and the Tokyo Jungle guide will also be placed under the "Products/Services" menu, "Books & Pamphlets" sub-menu.  I hope to add more stuff there in the future!

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Check It Out! - The Cat That Got the Milk


There are a lot of Indie games out on the Internet right now, and even though I like to browse through them, sometimes they all start to look the same.  An unusual game title, however, caught my eye today: "The Cat That Got the Milk."  This is a unique and beautiful game that anyone can play.  It's has the same basic concept as the old-fashioned computer game Snake, but with a challenging and artsy twist.

A screenshot from "The Cat That Got the Milk" game

You control the cat with the up and down keys, guiding it to the bowl of milk.  It starts off easy, but the environment quickly becomes more abstract and difficult to traverse.  "The Cat That Got the Milk" is just as much a work of art as it is a game.  It's a dazzling and refreshing change to all of the cookie-cutter, jump-scare Indie games out there.  The game is short, taking only about 10-15 minutes to complete, so feel free to give it a try.  The game requires the Unity web player, which is free and safe software similar to Adobe Player.  There will be a link to download this at the game website.  Save and download the Unity Web Player and the game will begin loading on the webpage automatically.  I really enjoyed playing "The Cat That Got the Milk," and I hope to see more unique games from the developers in the future.  Below is the link to the game as well as a preview video of the actual game play.  Have fun, and get that milk!

Click here to play "The Cat That Got the Milk."


Friday, March 15, 2013

Darn Those Tears!

I'm an emotional person, which is pretty obvious considering I have anxiety.  I'm also terrible at hiding what I'm feeling.  If I'm having a bad day, it's written all over my face.  And I'm a shameless weeper.  Okay, shameless isn't exactly the word, because I'm quite embarrassed when the waterworks start.  And I guess I don't cry easily.  But if my tears are triggered, they don't stop for a while.  I'm especially moved by movie moments.  Below are some scenes that ALWAYS make me cry:

Scene: "The Lion King" Mufasa's death


Scene: "Up" Ellie and Carl's life


Scene: "Homeward Bound" when Shadow comes home



Scene: "Inception" saying good-bye to Mal


Scene: "Marley & Me" putting the dog to sleep

Crying is such a raw, intense emotion that is all-consuming.  Yet there's something refreshing about crying, too.  It's a release of epic proportions that washes away all dignity and mascara.  If someone accepts you in these blubbering moments, you know you have a true friend.  I don't like to cry, and I try to avoid it when possible, but I suppose crying is part of the human existence.  We all do it, so therefore, it's something that we all can understand.  If any of these scenes have made you cry, or any other movie scene, post it in the comments below.  Then we can all cry together.  ;)