Shakiest Gun In the West

Ruger P90 (so scary!)

My husband loves guns, and today, we did some shooting with his Ruger P95.  It wasn't the first time I have shot his pistol (it was my third time, to be exact), so I wasn't as anxious as I was the first time.  I was terrified of shooting guns in the beginning.  The idea of holding a device that could kill someone with the slightest pull of the trigger...it scared me.  My greatest anxiety scenarios usually involve bad guys with guns, so I got anxious just at the mention of guns.  In fact, gun ownership was a great cause of contention during our engagement.  :)  But my husband, being the stalwart man he is, wanted to make sure I knew how to use his Ruger in case I ever needed to defend myself at home while he was gone.

Marlin model 60 (so fun!)

I started out by shooting Ben's Marlin model 60, a varmint rife, which was less powerful.  It almost felt like using a toy, so I did not feel anxious using it.  It's just that doggone pistol that scares the poo out of me!  I'm not as anxious as I was in the beginning, but I still get anxious, trust me.  My hands shake when I hold it, my shoulders get tense, and I always close my eye when I pull the trigger (not on purpose, mind you.  It makes for bad marksmanship, but I can't help it!)  The recoil feels like the pistol is going to either buck out of my hands or knock me off of my feet.  And once I pinched my hand really hard when I cocked it.  That gun is scary!

Despite my anxiety, however, I continue to practice shooting with my husband.  I can usually only last a few rounds, but today, I shot three rounds.  Thirty bullets; that's a record for me!  I'm proud to say that I know how to shoot, and I'm pretty good at it, too.  I'll still always be anxious when I shoot, but it's important for me to face my fears and push my limits.  My husband is proud of my progress, although he still wants me to keep working towards proficiency (Ben = "honey, let's have you practice cocking the pistol a few times, alright?"  Me = "I don't wanna!")  I'll continue learning how to shoot, because I refuse to let anxiety dictate what I can and can't do, and that's a habit I want to uphold throughout my life.  Below are some pictures of me shooting like a boss.  ;)

I got my eyes on the enemy...

 

Stop closing your eyes, girl!  You're freaking me out!

The purple marker highlights the bullet holes.  Yay, I killed the creeper!  :D

PETA Hates Pokemon!

PETA depiction by sharkmon97X

When I heard about an online PETA Pokemon parody game, I laughed and thought it would be fun to check out.  After all, PETA is the brunt of so many jokes out there, so it had to be interesting.  To my surprise, I found out that this game was not a parody about PETA, but an anti-violence message actually created by PETA.  I never expected PETA to protest against a children's game, but that's just what they did.  This is the intro of the game in its exact words:

"As battling Pokemon grew in popularity, generations of children were growing up believing that Pokemon exist for no other reasons than to be used and abused by humans.  Children learned about dominance instead of compassion.  While Pokemon faced the worst abuses, children also started bullying each other.  Until one Pokemon decided he'd had enough."

And as I started playing the game, my amusement turned to alarm.  The Pikachu I played as was covered in blood and choked with a metal collar and chain.

Team Plasma is the PETA Pokemon liberation group, apparently.

The trainer I was rebelling against was also covered in blood and held a bloody baseball bat, and what appeared to be a beer bottle.

In the beginning of the game, I had to battle my Pokemon trainer for freedom.  Some of my moves included "group hug" and "protest."  In response, the trainer hit me with the baseball bat!  So then I used some more traditional moves, like "thundershock" and "quick attack" (because apparently it's okay for the Pokemon to beat up their trainers, just not the other way around).  Once I defeated the trainer, their equally abused Pokemon joined me, and we continued to battle just as disturbing trainers.  One of the conversations went like this:

Trainer: "The only thing that matters to me is that I make a lot of money in the Pokemon industry."
Pikachu: "If you really cared about children, you'd want to teach them respect and compassion!"
Trainer: "It's not their hearts that concern me - it's their parents' wallets.  Gotta catch 'em all.  Ha!  What suckers!"

By the time I was finished with the game, I had a Snivy that had been experimented on by a scientist, and a Oshawott that was partially skinned (shown below).

By the time I was finished playing the game, I was horrified.  Not in myself, but in the disturbing depiction of my favorite video game I just witnessed.  First of all, there has never been a speck of blood in the Pokemon games, and the amount of blood PETA used in their spoof game made me sick.  And the violence!  It's true, Pokemon battle each other in the real game, but their trainers never hurt them, physically or verbally.  In fact, the Pokemon games and TV shows are all about the trainers loving and respecting their Pokemon.  The bad guys are the ones rightfully shown abusing their Pokemon, but even so, never in the way that PETA depicted!

To top it all off, PETA included this little note below their spoof game:

"The amount of time that Pokémon spend stuffed in pokéballs is akin to how elephants are chained up in train carts, waiting to be let out to 'perform' in circuses. But the difference between real life and this fictional world full of organized animal fighting is that Pokémon games paint rosy pictures of things that are actually horrible."

As strange as it sounds, I am very attached to my little virtual creatures.  In the game, we are a team, and I do whatever I can to help my Pokemon succeed.  I think PETA's spoof game was not only disturbing, but insulting to all Pokemon fans out there.  Below is a link if you are interested in playing the game for yourself.  What do you think?  Do PETA's accusations have merit?  Share your thoughts in the comments.  As for myself, I'm going to continue playing Pokemon and not be ashamed.

Image by mnrART

Link:
PETA's Pokemon Black and Blue: gotta free 'em all!

Check It Out! - Zen Habits

When I first developed my full-blown anxiety disorder, I was in a lot of turmoil.  Things that had once seemed simple were suddenly complicated.  The life I knew was turned upside down, and I was lost in my own despair.  Many things helped me through the Dark Ages (i.e. my religion, my husband, my mom, etc.), but today, I want to focus on a blog that really taught me the minimalist philosophy that helps me combat my anxiety everyday.

Zen Habits is a blog that introduced me to the idea that the best way to overcome my anxiety was to...breathe, be still, and let go.  I was a dire hard perfectionist until anxiety burst my bubble and left me feeling like a total loser.  I thought that the way to overcome my anxiety was to get my act back together and go back to accomplishing things like a champ.  But the reality was this: even when I thought I was accomplishing things, I was really accomplishing nothing.  One of the greatest things that my anxiety disorder has taught me is that my previous life was filled with pride that had no substance.  Losing my perfectionism was insanely painful, but today, I can say that I am grateful for the things I've learned through my anxiety.

Oh dear, where was I?  That's right.  Zen Habits introduced me to some minimalist philosophies that, at first, drove me crazy.  For example, when I was a perfectionist, I always created goals for myself, and felt like a failure when I did not meet them.  One of Zen Habit's philosophies is to live without goals.  What?!  How was I supposed to be worthwhile if I didn't set and accomplish goals?  That was the thing: I was already worthwhile.  Anxiety made me believe that I had to do all of these things to be worth anything, but as a Child of God, I was already worth everything.  It took time, but Zen Habits helped me realize this.

See my blog post "What Makes Me Significant?"

Another philosophy that Zen Habits taught me was to stop putting expectations on everything.  When Ben and I were engaged, I expected him to do and think and act in all the ways I wanted him to.  In my anxious state, I put a lot of pressure on him, and it almost tore us apart.  Zen Habits taught me that instead of expecting things from people and getting disappointed when things don't go my way, I can be grateful for the wonderful relationship I have with that person, whatever it may be.  This was an eye-opened experience for me, because I thought I could shape and mold my future husband like wet clay into the vessel I wanted.  Little did I know that my husband was already perfect the way he was; all I had to do was realize it.  It's kind of like when a kid realizes that Christmas isn't about getting presents, but giving them.  I remember the night that this concept really sunk into my soul.  I wrote a little poem that summed up my feelings pretty well:

I thought marriage was about spoiling me,

But marriage is about changing me.

I thought marriage was about serving me,

But marriage is about purifying me.

I thought marriage was about kissing me,

But marriage is about teaching me.

I thought marriage was about being the perfect wife,

But marriage is about preparing for Celestial Life.

And I learned to do the same for me.  I stopped pressuring myself and just appreciated myself for who I was.  I was perfect the way I was; I just had to realize it. 

Zen Habits has plenty of posts on how to set goals and change yourself into a better person, but what really touched my heart was the lessons of simplicity that helped me let go of the last traces of my perfectionism.  It's only when I was able to do this that I truly began to get better.  Please check out the Zen Habits blog.  It's a wonderful and uplifting place, and most of the blogs reflect the new and simple way I live my life (and trust me, I don't miss my old life one bit!)  Below are some direct links to some of my favorite posts, or just click here to go right to the website.  Thanks for reading, and remember...breathe.

How to Be Happy Anytime
Toss Your Expectations Into the Ocean
The Illusion of Control
Be Still