The Forest In My Heart

 

Image by lucias-tears

I've been struggling with some anxious thought patterns these days and thought I'd share an interesting analogy that has emerged from it.  Every person has a forest in their heart.  I have one, too.  This forest is teeming with life, each creature and plant representing a part of myself.  Each tree is a skill that I'm developing.  Some are tall and sure, while others are still growing.  The birds are my dreams, the stream is my desire to explore the world, etc.  And flowers!  Flowers are everywhere.  My forest is a beautiful and personal place.  Or, at least it was.

When I developed an anxiety disorder, it felt like I was losing myself to its dark, twisted depths.  My passion and talents diminished, my confidence shattered, and my dreams were lost.  It felt like the forest in my heart was burning to the ground.

Image from www.erh.noaa.gov

Everything I had worked towards in the past twenty-two years of my life was gone.  There was nothing in my heart but smoldering pain and choking ashes.  I didn't know who I was anymore.  I was almost destroyed by it.

Maybe you have gone through a similar experience as this.  It's frightening to lose everything.  But the thing is, you haven't lost everything.  I thought I had, but in time, I caught little glimpses of myself shining through the anxiety.  It was like little sprouts pushing their way through the dirt and ash.  I was still in a lot of pain, and I had to redefine everything again, but I was willing to try.  I was willing to regrow the forest in my heart.  It wasn't easy.  It took a lot of work, a lot of pain, and a lot of time.  Today, my forest does not have the same majesty of my first forest.  But after everything I've learned about myself and anxiety, my forest fire was not a tragedy.  Just like in real life, a forest fire plays an important role.  The fire clears out dead brush and noxious weeds, giving new plants a chance to take their place.  The forest fire in my heart was purged of pride and false perceptions, allowing new and life-changing virtues to grow and flourish.  I can now say that I am a better woman because of anxiety.

The forest in my heart still has a long way to go.  The fire was necessary, but it certainly didn't feel good in the moment, and neither does the feeling of inadequacy that follows.  But despite the anxiety that plagues me day to day, I am still me, and I always will be.  My forest may still be lacking in many ways, but in time, flowers will grow again in the forest of my heart.