The "Clean-Slate" Syndrome

This blog post is four stories rolled into one. The first and main story is about the "Clean-Slate" syndrome, a destructive anxiety-influenced habit that dictated my relationships for a part of my life. The second story is about how I met the man of my dreams. The third story partly describes how I developed an anxiety disorder that haunted me for the next year of my life. The fourth, and best story, is how I overcame both the clean-slate syndrome and anxiety, and married before-mentioned man of my dreams.

I think I always knew that I had the "Clean-Slate" syndrome. Whenever things didn't go quite right, or I made a mistake, or I neglected something for a long time, I wanted to leave and start fresh. This especially happened with people. It's a form of "all-or-nothing" thinking, which is a big aspect of anxiety. It is also tied with perfectionism, which I definitely had a problem with. These related topics, however, are a little too vast to include in this post. So I'll continue with the "Clean-Slate" syndrome.

Growing up, I was a late-bloomer when it came to socializing. I didn't wear make-up until I was sixteen years old, and I wanted nothing to do with boys until I was eighteen. When I finally became interested in the social scene, I had developed a bad reputation for myself. Well, bad isn't exactly the right word. Basically, people viewed me as the "weird" girl who was nice and all, but was not worth approaching. This was my fault since I didn't want to be social with them, but now that I wanted to change that, I had a stigma that I could not shake. Rather than trying to reassert myself into my local social scene, I wanted to start fresh. I wanted to learn perfect socializing tools. I wanted a clean slate. I started going to Young Single Adult activities in the stake where I met lots of new people who did not know about my unsocial days. It didn't take long, however, before I wanted to start fresh again. I was still new to flirting with boys and hanging out with girls, and after a series of "mistakes," I was ready for a new clean slate. I wanted another chance to do things perfect, so I headed to college. Brigham Young University was a wonderful experience. Nevertheless, I continued to clean-slate my life. New roommates, new wards, new clubs, new classes, new gathering places. Old friends that I let down, crushes that didn't work out, and experiences that didn't quite go right were left behind. Each time I clean-slated, I felt like I "succeeded" at the next thing a little better. To me, clean-slating was about building skill and knowledge that would help me avoid mistakes in the future. There is some truth to this, naturally, but I was still seeking perfection that did not exist. Thankfully, when I came back to North Carolina for summer break, I met someone who would change me forever.

I had heard about Ben from my dad. He told me a new young adult had moved into my ward's boundary, and my dad was going to set me up on a date with him when I got home. I had gone on a few set-ups at college, and while they were good dates, they didn't go anywhere. So I didn't think anymore about Ben...until I went to my home ward. My mom and I were standing in the foyer after sacrament meeting. She gestured toward the chapel doors and whispered, "Oh, that's Ben over there." I turned and saw the hottest Asian man walking toward me. I literally spun around, threw my arms around my mom, and whispered, "Oh my gosh, he's hot!" That was the beginning of it all. :)













Ben and I fell for each other fast and hard. He was the first man I had ever held hands with and kissed, and my first real boyfriend. I was having the time of my life! After dating for about four months, we were already talking about marriage. We even went looking at rings. Then...

RRRRRAAAAAAAAWWWW!!!!!






That's right. We had a series of fights. We both said pretty mean things to each other, and came really close to breaking up. In the end, we decided to stay together. However, I was never quite the same. I wanted the clean slate, just like with those college friends. I made mistakes that would forever taint Ben and I's relationship (or so I thought). I had failed to maintain the perfect relationship, so I wanted to take my new knowledge and apply it to a new boyfriend. There was just one little problem...



I was in love.











I couldn't leave; not this time. I wanted to be with Ben so badly, and it killed me just thinking about letting him go. And yet I still ached to start fresh. I still yearned for perfection. I realized that if I wanted to be with Ben, there would never be a clean slate with him. There was no way I could take back the hurt that I inflicted on him. I would never have a perfect record with him. We would have to progress with that history and those memories. He had discovered the real me, the one who is FULL of imperfection. There was no guarantee that Ben would love the real me. If he decided to leave, there would be nothing I could do to stop him. I couldn't control the outcome of this relationship; I never could. Perfection was always an illusion, and when I realized this, my perfect little world that I created fell apart. I was weak, vulnerable, dirty...imperfect. Yet I could not run anymore. I had to continue down the path that lay before me if I wanted to be with Ben, and to be honest, I was terrified. I no longer had the benefit of being viewed through rose-colored glasses or seen as the perfect girlfriend. I had to stand up for myself, and I had no idea whether it would be enough. This is when I had my first anxiety attacks.

















Of course, anxiety didn't help any. My imperfect self was already exposed to Ben, and now I was melting down and freaking out. I was beyond imperfect! Ben truly saw me at my worst. I thought for sure that he would never love me after everything I put him through, but he did. He stayed with me, even through all of the crap. And trust me, the crap continued even through our four-month engagement. But we made it. Our wedding day was WONDERFUL! As scary as it was, I didn't run away when things got bad and imperfect. I put my trust in Ben, and vice versa. And now I know the meaning of true love.


















This story marked the end of the "Clean-Slate" syndrome, but my journey with Ben was just the beginning of a personal transformation. After everything I went through, I learned the dangers of perfection, judgement, projection, and expectations. I also learned the true meaning of love, trust, faith, hope, forgiveness, and peace. I still struggle with anxiety, but it does not dictate my life anymore. And Ben is still the man of my dreams. :) I'm so lucky that I married my best friend, my faithful protector, and my compassionate supporter. There will probably many future blog posts that will refer to my transformation journey, and I'm still learning everyday. But now I don't feel the urge to clean-slate anymore. Life is a miracle and a blessing, imperfections and all.