The Death and Rebirth of Journaling

One of my senior pictures starring a stack of my journals, taken in 2009

From 1999 to 2010, I kept journals the traditional way: with pen and paper.  I have several dozen journals that range in many sizes and shapes and colors.  They are filled with memories, dreams, stories, and even drawings.  Whenever I experienced something amazing, I journaled.  Whenever I felt frustrated, I journaled.  Writing my thoughts and feelings down was a form of therapy for me, which is why I journaled nearly every day.  My journals are priceless treasures that I will always cherish and protect.  However, my anxiety disorder led to the death of journaling for me.

It sounds awfully sad, and it kind of is, but I promise that there is a happy ending to this post.  My anxiety disorder is centered around unhealthy thoughts, and journaling is all about writing thoughts down.  Therein lied the problem.  When I tried to journal out my feelings like I always had in the past, only the twisted, anxious thoughts came out.  As these twisted thoughts were translated into physical form, they gained more strength and greater validity.  They became more real than they were supposed to be.  Journaling was actually making my anxiety worse.  In order to break the choking grasp anxiety had on my mind, I had to stop journaling.  I had to stop soul searching and close my mind for a season.  I had to learn to live in the moment, recognize and appreciate the beauty in the world all around me that was real and tangible.  This helped lessen the power of my anxiety, and eventually I learned enough skills to keep it out of my mind for good.  The question then became: do I begin journaling again?

While I was still learning to deal with my anxiety, I started this little blog called "Anxiously Engaged."  I had tried and failed to keep a blog in the past, but for some reason, I stuck with this one.  I found it was easy to post something every week, and I had a ton of fun putting together my resource pages.  Today, I have developed a  love of blogging and plan to keep at it until who-knows-when.  Turns out, blogging has become my new form of journaling.  I can still write out my thoughts and feelings about all sorts of things, but because it's public, I'm refrained from delving too deep into anxious thoughts.  Maybe I will journal with paper and pen again one day, but until then, blogging is just as good.  Sometime soon, I want to print out all of my blog posts and put them in a binder.  In that way, it will be like my old journals after all.  

Image by st3to

"The nicest part is being able to write down all my thoughts and feelings; otherwise, I might suffocate."   
      --Anne Frank, from The Diary of a Young Girl

Men Are Jerks...And Gentlemen

I grew up with Disney, so I know the idea of a "Prince Charming" well.  The man I had always dreamed about would be sweet, romantic, and tend to my every need.  He would be dazzled by my beauty, sweep in, and beg for my affections.  He would hang on my every word and do anything I asked of him.  I would be the center of his universe.  This is what I used to believe.  What do I think of the idea of Prince Charming now? 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

My cute and innocent image of men was shattered when I started dating Ben.  When I wanted him to rescue me from "drowning" in the swimming pool, he dunked me under the water.  When I wanted him to say I was still beautiful after a long day of work, he said I looked like a wreck.  He could be a real jerk sometimes.  But right when I was about to go insane, Ben would do something unexpectedly sweet.  He would send me a poem via text message.  He would bring home a surprise treat for me, like cookies or candy.  He would tenderly check an injury I had obtained while playing soccer.  However, in the case of the soccer incident, Ben then proceeded to poke my injury and laugh.

YOU STUPID BOY!!!!!!!

 
He totally just ruined the moment!  I just couldn't handle it!  One moment he was a jerk, the next moment he was a gentleman, and then a jerk again!  Make up your mind, already!  It was impossible for me to decide whether he was the gentleman I always wanted, or a jerk that I didn't need.  How could I tell which one he was if he kept fluctuating all of the time between jerk and gentleman?  This bothered me for a long time.  The answer came in the most unexpected way: through an article in an "Oprah" magazine that I was skimming through during a pedicure.  In the article, a group of women were discussing men (of course).  One of the women was bothered by the same oxymoron that was bothering me: was her boyfriend a jerk or a gentleman?  Most of her friends said that despite his gentlemanly moments, since he had jerk moments too, he couldn't be trusted.  One of her quieter friends, however, presented this insight: "What if he's both?"

Mind = blown

This simple phrase changed how I view men, marriage, and all relationships.  Human beings are imperfect, and we are not one-dimensional.  My emotions fluctuate between happiness and sorrow and insanity on a daily basis (just ask my husband).  Anyone who has developed a close relationship with anyone knows there are many sides to a person, but it does not change the fact that they are still, in the end, exactly who they are.  For example, Ben can be a jerk, but he can also be a gentleman.  And despite what side he fluctuates on, he will always be Ben, an imperfect yet wonderful human being.  It was only when I could love the complete and whole Ben, and not just his gentlemanly side, that I experienced true and unconditional love.  They never teach you that in the Disney movies!  It's a true and deep concept that is even greater than the "happily ever after" idea, and it can only be learned through sacrifice.  Ben loves and accepts me, whether I am an angel or a...um, witch.  It took me a while, but I learned to do the same for him, and I am a million times happier because of it (and I think he is, too).  So whenever he has one of his jerk moments, I just smile inwardly and know it will only be a matter of time before he switches back to being a gentleman.  Until then, I keep loving him for exactly who he is: my eternal companion and dearest friend.