Meltdown!

About a month ago, I went off of my medicine in anticipation of getting pregnant.  I had learned enough anxiety-coping techniques to get by, right?  How wrong I was!  I could feel anxiety creeping back into my mind, and even with my coping techniques, it wasn't backing down.  The straw that broke the camel's back was when I went to take care of my tadpoles and saw two of them were dead!  Something had killed them!  I don't know exactly what happened, but I...SNAPPED!  I scooped the remaining tadpoles out of the tank and dumped out the water (I still don't know how that was supposed to help.)  I realized after the fact that I had no spring water to replace it with, so I rushed off to Walmart to buy some more, my mind abuzz with anxiety and irritability.  Walking through the store, I probably looked like this:

What people didn't see (and I'm sure glad they couldn't) was the internal conflict between my True Self and my Anxiety-Ridden Self:

"Get out of my way, dumb people!  My tadpoles - a summer's worth of sweat and tears - are dying as we speak!  Grrrrrr!  Get out of my way!"
 "Please, calm down!  You can't treat people like that.  Everything is going to be all right."
"Shut up, you!"

 
I was so angry about my tadpoles dying ("They can't die after all the hard work I put into them!") and distraught that they would all die ("See? I'm worthless at everything I do!") I proceeded to fill my cart with over $100 worth of fish supplies to start from scratch.  The internal conflict continued:

"What are you thinking?  Don't buy all that stuff!  You don't need it!  You are just being anxious."
"No, I have to buy this stuff NOW!  It's the only way to save my tadpoles!  Grrrrrrr!"

I then proceed to the checkout, like this:

The moment of truth had come.  I was just about to checkout and buy all this fish stuff that I didn't really need, fueled by anxiety and rage.  Finally, one thought rose above the others: "What will Ben (my husband) think when he sees all this stuff, and finds out how much money I spent?"  It was in that moment that I came to my senses.  I slowly looked down at all of the stuff in my cart, and said:

 "What am I doing?"

I slowly, and calmly, returned all of the fish supplies, bought the spring water I originally went for, and left Walmart.  I went home and refilled the tank and replaced the tadpoles.  The anxiety madness had passed, and left me feeling stupid and ashamed.  I shared the story with Ben and my mom, and they both thought it was pretty funny.  I realized that, really, it was.  Anxiety made it feel like such a big deal in the moment, but it was all very comical.  The next day, I could smile and laugh at my meltdown, and blog about it, too.  :)    Why am I sharing this?  Because maybe there's someone out there who has gone through a similar experience.  In my case, my meltdown was centered on my tadpoles, but it could have been anything.  Cleaning the house, exercising, remodeling, anything that could cause someone to rush off and spend lots of money to start over again.  If you have gone through something like this, please know that you are not alone.  Meltdowns are a part of life, and once survived, can give us a good laugh afterwards.

Save Me From the Internet!

I love the Internet.  Anytime I have a question about anything (and I mean ANYTHING), the Internet has the answer.  I mean, where else can you find out how to avoid razor burn, or why women open their mouths when they put on mascara?  Also, the infinite collection of opinions help me make smart decisions, like should I go see "Dark Shadows" in theaters?  (thank you, http://www.rottentomatoes.com!)  I can blog, browse amazing art, watch literally anything on YouTube, play games, stay connected with friends...  What can't the Internet do?  :D  There is, however, a downside to the Internet...

 

Yeah...I waste a lot of time on the Internet.  Now I'm a believer in the saying "Time you enjoyed wasting was not wasted," but there is still a line when it comes to the Internet, and I find myself crossing it all the time.  Everyone has their Achilles heel when it comes to time-wasting on the Internet.  For some, it's Facebook.  For others, its Tumblr.  It could be Blogger, Wikipedia, FarmVille, LOL Cats...the list goes on.  For me personally, it's Deviantart and Youtube.  For someone with anxiety, real life can be hard and cruel.  The Internet is an endless fairground of feel-goodness that is very easy to get addicted to.  Why face the world when you can watch America's Funniest Home videos instead?  Sometimes, the only time I really get productive things accomplished is when this happens...

Today, I am glad to say that I am less of an Internet addict than I used to be.  I am a wife, and soon to be a mother, so I can't afford to have my eyes glued to a computer screen all day.  That aside, I want to spend less time on the computer, anyway.  Part of my unschooling background is the focus on real, down-to-earth activities that are good and wholesome.  In a sense, these activities are still "wasting time," but they somehow feel more "good for me" than the Internet.  For example, I've picked up drawing and coloring again.  I'm also going to try my hand at painting sculputres with acrylic paint thanks to an awesome gift my husband got me for my birthday.  And just yesterday I took an hour long walk with my darling dog, just enjoying the fresh air and cool evening.  Life is hard, that's for sure, and it is easy to want to take refuge from it on the Internet.  But life is wonderful, too, and it can only be experienced when I shut off my computer.  Of course, I'll always love the Internet, and you'll see me on the ol' computer at least once or twice or thrice a day.  But I'll always be striving for balance between the real world and the Internet world.  Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to peruse iwastesomuchtime.com while I eat lunch.  ;)

I Love Frogs

Growing up, my favorite animal was the horse.  In terms of traditional pets, I like dogs and then cats.  But what is my favorite animal of all time?  The frog!  Specifically, the tree frog.

 Image by yourlilmunchie

It all started when I found tadpole eggs behind my house back in 2004.  I was fascinated by the delicate eggs, and horrified when I saw various water bugs eating them!  I tried to build a sort of barrier between the eggs and their attackers, but nothing worked.  In the end, I decided to just let nature run its course, and went home.  But to my surprise, one of the tadpole eggs had stuck to my wrist (due to the sticky, jelly-like substance surrounding them).  I put the egg in a cup of spring water, and 4 days later, a t-i-n-y tadpole hatched.  Days passed, my tiny tadpole grew into a tree frog, and I've been in love with them ever since. 

My darling Tasolen eating a tasty cricket.

With the ferocity of a lion and the personality of a human, these little guys are awesome!  They can be tamed and held, although it can take time and patience.  They don't carry dangerous diseases like reptiles do.  They are fairly easy to take care of, although they do require live insects for their meals, so you can't be afraid to handle crickets.  :)  My beloved Tasolen the gray tree frog died in 2009, but I now have two green tree frogs named Lemon and Lime, like this guy here:

 Image by boron

I'm currently raising gray tree frog tadpoles and hope to sell some of them to fellow frog lovers!  If you are interested in learning more about my interest of frogs, you can check out my frog blog at www.frogforum.net.  I also hope to create my own frog care pamphlet for those interested in owning a tree frog of their own.  This post is a little random, and totally all over the place, but I just want to tell the world that I love frogs!  :)

 Image by mdmayberry