Walk, Don't Run

I hate exercise.  I just hate it.  On and off throughout the years, I get all determined to get in shape.  I buy exercise clothes, get a gym membership, and feel all pumped up.  Then I actually start exercising.  I really respect people who get energized from exercising, like my husband.  Exercising drains me, physically and mentally.  Rather than giving me feel-good endorphins, I feel like I'm stuck on a torture machine.  This concerns my husband; he's worried that I'm dangerously out of shape.  But I think it's simply because I hate exercise.  The concept of running on a machine just for the purpose of getting tired is depressing.  It's not enjoyable, and I don't have the self-discipline to do it for the end product.  It's just...not natural.

Thankfully, there is more than one way to exercise, and I finally found my way: walking.  Every morning that Ben is home, I wake up fairly early and walk for two miles around my neighborhood.  I take in the fresh air and enjoy the scenery.  It's my quiet time to think and recharge my introvert batteries.  I walk at a steady pace for an hour and (*le gasp*) I actually feel energized afterwards!  It's a miracle!  Could it be that I actually like exercising now?  Yes and no.  In order to build a positive relationship with exercise, I had to find what worked for me.  Granted, walking is good exercise, but I'm certainly not "in shape".  In order to truly stretch and grow, I would have to push my body past it's comfort zone by doing some hard exercise.  But I'm not interested in that at this point in my life.  I want to be active, but I also want to enjoy it.

This is a philosophy that is present throughout my life.  I don't want to do things because I "should."  "Should" is a very dangerous word.  It evokes guilt, which for me, evokes anxiety.  I want to do what's right for my body, but I want to do it because I want to.  This goes for scripture study, cleaning, and yes, even blogging.  Back in my perfectionist days, I charted everything I did.  I would write up a Sunday through Saturday chart with the determination that I would accomplish a certain task (i.e. exercising) each day, and I would put the check mark on it to prove it.  But what if something came up and I was unable to exercise that day?  There would be a big blank spot on my chart, and my perfectionism would go crazy.  Now, I live without charts, without the "should" hanging over my head.  I take walks because I want to, and it makes my happy.  And guess what?  I have been taking these walks for over a month.  I have never stuck with exercise that long before!  And it's all because I do what makes me happy.  I don't have to push myself or trick myself or bribe myself to do it; I just do it because I want to.

Are there "should"s hanging over your head in your life?  I challenge you to try looking at it another way.  Try finding what makes you happy, and throw away the charts with the accusatory blank spots.  Just do what makes you happy, and you will find that you won't have to make yourself do it anymore.  You'll just want to.

Tokyo Jungle: Go Wild!

Back in September, a very unique and very unusual game was released for download on the PlayStation 3: Toyko Jungle.  The game takes place in Tokyo after an unexplained phenomenon causes every human being on the planet to disappear without a trace.  Zoo animals break free from their cages and former pets get in touch with their lost instincts.  There is only one rule in this new natural order: survival of the fittest.

Nature reclaims Tokyo.

In Tokyo Jungle, you can play as over thirty different kinds of animals.  If you play as a herbivore (like a gazelle or rabbit), you must find fresh vegetation and avoid getting eaten, only fighting when necessary (if it's even possible).  If you play as a carnivore (like a beagle or lion), you must seek out and hunt other animals while defending yourself from the stronger competition.  There is a story mode (which reveals the surprising reason for mankind's disappearance), but I really like the survival mode.  The goal is to survive as long as possible, racking up survival points for accomplishing key tasks.  Marking a territory is necessary to attract potential mates, but certain animals won't mate unless you have reached a certain rank (which is accomplished by finding and eating food).  Also, accomplishing specific challenges that are randomized at the beginning of each game helps give focus to the game play and makes it more fun.  After completing a survival game (which ends when you die), you can spend your accumulated survival points to unlock new animals or buy stat-boosting accessories.

Actual game play on Tokyo Jungle as an elephant.

I love the gritty feel of Tokyo Jungle.  Too many animal-based video games are way too cutesie for my taste.  The point of Tokyo Jungle is to survive, a concept that brings out primeval feelings in me: the thrill of the hunt, the horror of being hunted, and the pride of rearing a new generation.  I have always loved animals and have respected the way nature works, even if it's not pretty.  When I was young, I wanted to watch the footage of a cheetah catching a zebra that other kids shied away from, because it was the real deal.  Tokyo Jungle is full of these "real deal" moments.  If I'm playing as a dog and get killed by a lion, it's going to eat me while "game over" flashes across the screen.  It's harsh, but that's nature for ya.  It makes surviving even more rewarding knowing that nothing is going to go easy on me.  If my generations of hyenas survive for over a hundred years, then by golly, I'm doing a dang good job surviving in the unforgiving wilderness!  It's a engaging and fun game concept that keeps me playing again and again.

Tokyo Jungle is not for everyone.  There is a lot of killing, whether you are a herbivore or a carnivore, so it's not for those who are sensitive to death.  This is especially true as it pertains to the pets in the game (to this day, I hate killing cats, even if they attack me first).  There is a little bit of blood, and when it's time to mate, you see the animal mount the other!  However, I am not bothered by these things because, for the most part, they simply reflect the true nature of - well - nature.  On the other hand, as gritty as the game is, there are plenty of unrealistic elements to it.  For example, there's no way a Golden Retriever could take down a tiger in real life!  And for extra stat bonuses, you can dress your animal character up in clothes and other accessories (but as silly as that is, there is something fun about dressing up a pig).  You can also play as a few dinosaurs, and I would tell you how in the world dinosaurs are in Tokyo, but that would spoil the story. 

There's no way that beagle is going to win this battle!

I would heartily recommend Tokyo Jungle to anyone who isn't afraid to play on the wild side!  Right now, it's only available for download through the PlayStation Network, but it only cost $14.99.  Below is a trailer of the actual game play and some of the animals you can play as.  Tokyo Jungle is a quirky, invigorating game that adds a refreshing change to the ho-hum variety of video games out there.  So if you are feeling adventurous, give it a try!

Wasting Time

I used to hide the fact that I play Pokemon games because I was worried about what other people would think of me.  After all, Pokemon is a children's game.  Thanks to my husband, who assured me that there's nothing wrong with me playing Pokemon, I am now open with everyone about it and I'm not embarrassed anymore.  Well, most of the time...  Every once in a while, I begin to question my Pokemon hobby, especially when I am playing in a public place (like waiting at the dentist office).  The biggest thing I worry about is this: am I just wasting my time?

I've noticed that the female gender spends most of their time improving themselves in some form or fashion.  They read magazines to learn how to lose weight, decorate their houses, and bake cute desserts.  There are thousands of new ways to sew, decorate a party, grow a garden, save money, be fashionable...  The list of productive things to do never seems to end.  And the funny thing is, no matter how much a woman seems to accomplish, she never seems satisfied.  After all, there will always be new things to do.  Mind you, I believe it's always good to learn and grow, but after a long day's work, what if I just want to play Pokemon?  What if I just want to collect and raise virtual creatures on a video game?  Somehow, this seems like a bad thing to do.  I mean, if I just wanted to relax after working all day, I could at least do something like read a book or get on Facebook.  No one gets judged for doing these things, whether at a dentist office or at home.  They are more "productive", and therefore, more accepted.

But what is the reason for reading a book, or commented on Facebook, or playing a video game?  I would hope the reason is simply this: to bring happiness to the participant.  If the end goal is the same, then what does it matter what the activity is?  I remind myself that playing Pokemon makes me happy, so I have no reason to feel embarrassed or ashamed about playing it.  If cooking makes someone happy, then they should cook.  If exercising makes someone happy, then they should exercise.  If playing Pokemon makes someone happy, then they should play Pokemon.  It's good to seek improvement, but one thing anxiety has taught me is to just be happy with the person I am today.  I can do so much more with myself, but then again, I've already done so much.  Recognizing this and celebrating it is just as important as looking for the next big thing to work on.  Before anxiety, I used to base my self-worth and personal happiness off of the things I was able to accomplish (I'll write another blog post about this specifically in the future).  I was never satisfied with my progress, always worrying about not being good enough, and feeling guilty when I wasn't constantly improving myself.  Then anxiety came, and I thought my life was over.  Little did I know that anxiety would teach me so many beautiful truths that I was previously blind to.  Who knew that anxiety would lead me to true happiness and acceptance?  Today, I am happy with who I am, and there is no reason why I should feel any differently.

Is there something you like to do that brings you happiness?  Do you often feel guilty while doing it because it's not "productive"?  I'd like to challenge you to let go of that guilt and just be happy.  You are just as wonderful today as you will be tomorrow; you don't have to accomplish this or that to be worthy of happiness right now.  I know this is one of life's beautiful truths, and I hope it will eventually change your perspective on yourself like it did mine.

 

My Childhood Dog

Last week, my childhood dog passed away.  He was old and sick, and I had to make the extremely difficult decision to have him put down.  It was a lot harder than I thought it would be to watch the life disappear from his eyes...  Ah, but this is not what this post is supposed to be about!  This post is a memorial to a wonderful pet and a forever friend.

As a child, I wasn't very social.  I was both uninterested in socializing and unsure of how to go about it.  My vivid imagination was a lot more interesting and rewarding for me to develop than my people skills.  As I grew into a teen, I wanted to fit in and have friends just like everyone else, but I struggled to do so.  I was just too different, I suppose.  Thankfully, I had a constant friend who loved me exactly for who I was: Spencer, my Golden Retriever.  My mom bought Spencer in the year 2000, and it didn't take long for him and I to become fast friends.  We went exploring in the woods together, splashing through creeks and lying in the sun together.  I was so attached to Spencer, that when Precious (our second dog) came into the picture, I was jealous of her!  I was afraid that I would lose my best friend!  But I grew to love Precious just as much, and of course, Spencer still loved me just the same.  Together, us three went on adventures in the woods and had a wonderful childhood.

I remember many nights in which I had experienced some sort of disappointment in my day.  Being a teenager was hard, and since I had pre-anxiety, it was even harder at times.  I would cry and feel completely alone.  But Spencer always knew when I was sad.  He would sit by my side and comfort me only the way a dog could.  To this day, I believe there is no greater love and loyalty in this world than what is given by a dog (sorry Ben!)

Today, I'm at a different stage in my life: I'm married and hope to have children soon.  I really don't have the time or the money to have a dog right now.  However, when Spencer passed away, I was reminded of all the precious memories that dog gave me.  I wish I could hold onto those carefree days forever...  I loved my dog, and I look forward to be reunited with him one day.  Below is a short memorial video I made in Spencer's honor.  Please take a moment to watch it, and perhaps remember that special dog (or other animal) that brought great joy to your childhood, too.

 

Shakiest Gun In the West

Ruger P90 (so scary!)

My husband loves guns, and today, we did some shooting with his Ruger P95.  It wasn't the first time I have shot his pistol (it was my third time, to be exact), so I wasn't as anxious as I was the first time.  I was terrified of shooting guns in the beginning.  The idea of holding a device that could kill someone with the slightest pull of the trigger...it scared me.  My greatest anxiety scenarios usually involve bad guys with guns, so I got anxious just at the mention of guns.  In fact, gun ownership was a great cause of contention during our engagement.  :)  But my husband, being the stalwart man he is, wanted to make sure I knew how to use his Ruger in case I ever needed to defend myself at home while he was gone.

Marlin model 60 (so fun!)

I started out by shooting Ben's Marlin model 60, a varmint rife, which was less powerful.  It almost felt like using a toy, so I did not feel anxious using it.  It's just that doggone pistol that scares the poo out of me!  I'm not as anxious as I was in the beginning, but I still get anxious, trust me.  My hands shake when I hold it, my shoulders get tense, and I always close my eye when I pull the trigger (not on purpose, mind you.  It makes for bad marksmanship, but I can't help it!)  The recoil feels like the pistol is going to either buck out of my hands or knock me off of my feet.  And once I pinched my hand really hard when I cocked it.  That gun is scary!

Despite my anxiety, however, I continue to practice shooting with my husband.  I can usually only last a few rounds, but today, I shot three rounds.  Thirty bullets; that's a record for me!  I'm proud to say that I know how to shoot, and I'm pretty good at it, too.  I'll still always be anxious when I shoot, but it's important for me to face my fears and push my limits.  My husband is proud of my progress, although he still wants me to keep working towards proficiency (Ben = "honey, let's have you practice cocking the pistol a few times, alright?"  Me = "I don't wanna!")  I'll continue learning how to shoot, because I refuse to let anxiety dictate what I can and can't do, and that's a habit I want to uphold throughout my life.  Below are some pictures of me shooting like a boss.  ;)

I got my eyes on the enemy...

 

Stop closing your eyes, girl!  You're freaking me out!

The purple marker highlights the bullet holes.  Yay, I killed the creeper!  :D

PETA Hates Pokemon!

PETA depiction by sharkmon97X

When I heard about an online PETA Pokemon parody game, I laughed and thought it would be fun to check out.  After all, PETA is the brunt of so many jokes out there, so it had to be interesting.  To my surprise, I found out that this game was not a parody about PETA, but an anti-violence message actually created by PETA.  I never expected PETA to protest against a children's game, but that's just what they did.  This is the intro of the game in its exact words:

"As battling Pokemon grew in popularity, generations of children were growing up believing that Pokemon exist for no other reasons than to be used and abused by humans.  Children learned about dominance instead of compassion.  While Pokemon faced the worst abuses, children also started bullying each other.  Until one Pokemon decided he'd had enough."

And as I started playing the game, my amusement turned to alarm.  The Pikachu I played as was covered in blood and choked with a metal collar and chain.

Team Plasma is the PETA Pokemon liberation group, apparently.

The trainer I was rebelling against was also covered in blood and held a bloody baseball bat, and what appeared to be a beer bottle.

In the beginning of the game, I had to battle my Pokemon trainer for freedom.  Some of my moves included "group hug" and "protest."  In response, the trainer hit me with the baseball bat!  So then I used some more traditional moves, like "thundershock" and "quick attack" (because apparently it's okay for the Pokemon to beat up their trainers, just not the other way around).  Once I defeated the trainer, their equally abused Pokemon joined me, and we continued to battle just as disturbing trainers.  One of the conversations went like this:

Trainer: "The only thing that matters to me is that I make a lot of money in the Pokemon industry."
Pikachu: "If you really cared about children, you'd want to teach them respect and compassion!"
Trainer: "It's not their hearts that concern me - it's their parents' wallets.  Gotta catch 'em all.  Ha!  What suckers!"

By the time I was finished with the game, I had a Snivy that had been experimented on by a scientist, and a Oshawott that was partially skinned (shown below).

By the time I was finished playing the game, I was horrified.  Not in myself, but in the disturbing depiction of my favorite video game I just witnessed.  First of all, there has never been a speck of blood in the Pokemon games, and the amount of blood PETA used in their spoof game made me sick.  And the violence!  It's true, Pokemon battle each other in the real game, but their trainers never hurt them, physically or verbally.  In fact, the Pokemon games and TV shows are all about the trainers loving and respecting their Pokemon.  The bad guys are the ones rightfully shown abusing their Pokemon, but even so, never in the way that PETA depicted!

To top it all off, PETA included this little note below their spoof game:

"The amount of time that Pokémon spend stuffed in pokéballs is akin to how elephants are chained up in train carts, waiting to be let out to 'perform' in circuses. But the difference between real life and this fictional world full of organized animal fighting is that Pokémon games paint rosy pictures of things that are actually horrible."

As strange as it sounds, I am very attached to my little virtual creatures.  In the game, we are a team, and I do whatever I can to help my Pokemon succeed.  I think PETA's spoof game was not only disturbing, but insulting to all Pokemon fans out there.  Below is a link if you are interested in playing the game for yourself.  What do you think?  Do PETA's accusations have merit?  Share your thoughts in the comments.  As for myself, I'm going to continue playing Pokemon and not be ashamed.

Image by mnrART

Link:
PETA's Pokemon Black and Blue: gotta free 'em all!

Check It Out! - Zen Habits

When I first developed my full-blown anxiety disorder, I was in a lot of turmoil.  Things that had once seemed simple were suddenly complicated.  The life I knew was turned upside down, and I was lost in my own despair.  Many things helped me through the Dark Ages (i.e. my religion, my husband, my mom, etc.), but today, I want to focus on a blog that really taught me the minimalist philosophy that helps me combat my anxiety everyday.

Zen Habits is a blog that introduced me to the idea that the best way to overcome my anxiety was to...breathe, be still, and let go.  I was a dire hard perfectionist until anxiety burst my bubble and left me feeling like a total loser.  I thought that the way to overcome my anxiety was to get my act back together and go back to accomplishing things like a champ.  But the reality was this: even when I thought I was accomplishing things, I was really accomplishing nothing.  One of the greatest things that my anxiety disorder has taught me is that my previous life was filled with pride that had no substance.  Losing my perfectionism was insanely painful, but today, I can say that I am grateful for the things I've learned through my anxiety.

Oh dear, where was I?  That's right.  Zen Habits introduced me to some minimalist philosophies that, at first, drove me crazy.  For example, when I was a perfectionist, I always created goals for myself, and felt like a failure when I did not meet them.  One of Zen Habit's philosophies is to live without goals.  What?!  How was I supposed to be worthwhile if I didn't set and accomplish goals?  That was the thing: I was already worthwhile.  Anxiety made me believe that I had to do all of these things to be worth anything, but as a Child of God, I was already worth everything.  It took time, but Zen Habits helped me realize this.

See my blog post "What Makes Me Significant?"

Another philosophy that Zen Habits taught me was to stop putting expectations on everything.  When Ben and I were engaged, I expected him to do and think and act in all the ways I wanted him to.  In my anxious state, I put a lot of pressure on him, and it almost tore us apart.  Zen Habits taught me that instead of expecting things from people and getting disappointed when things don't go my way, I can be grateful for the wonderful relationship I have with that person, whatever it may be.  This was an eye-opened experience for me, because I thought I could shape and mold my future husband like wet clay into the vessel I wanted.  Little did I know that my husband was already perfect the way he was; all I had to do was realize it.  It's kind of like when a kid realizes that Christmas isn't about getting presents, but giving them.  I remember the night that this concept really sunk into my soul.  I wrote a little poem that summed up my feelings pretty well:

I thought marriage was about spoiling me,

But marriage is about changing me.

I thought marriage was about serving me,

But marriage is about purifying me.

I thought marriage was about kissing me,

But marriage is about teaching me.

I thought marriage was about being the perfect wife,

But marriage is about preparing for Celestial Life.

And I learned to do the same for me.  I stopped pressuring myself and just appreciated myself for who I was.  I was perfect the way I was; I just had to realize it. 

Zen Habits has plenty of posts on how to set goals and change yourself into a better person, but what really touched my heart was the lessons of simplicity that helped me let go of the last traces of my perfectionism.  It's only when I was able to do this that I truly began to get better.  Please check out the Zen Habits blog.  It's a wonderful and uplifting place, and most of the blogs reflect the new and simple way I live my life (and trust me, I don't miss my old life one bit!)  Below are some direct links to some of my favorite posts, or just click here to go right to the website.  Thanks for reading, and remember...breathe.

How to Be Happy Anytime
Toss Your Expectations Into the Ocean
The Illusion of Control
Be Still