I Miss My Man

Earlier this month, my wonderful husband got his very first nursing job at Alamance Health Care Center.  This is an exciting milestone for both of us since he has been looking for a job for several months without any success.  With this new job, not only will we be financially secure, but Ben will be able to find new fulfillment in developing his new career.  And I get to be the good wife who makes his lunch and leave little notes in his bag.  ^_^  Everything seemed to be going just right.  About a week ago, however, I realized I was getting kind of depressed.  I was spending too much time in front of the computer and eating crappy food.  After some soul-searching, I realize that I'm just missing Ben.  I mean, before his new job, we spent most of the day together.  Even if we weren't directly interacting together, he was always close by.  And sure, we do get to spend a little time together after he comes home from work, but he has a lot of responsibilities outside of his job, too.  On top of that, he has to wake up r-e-a-l-l-y early, so he has to go to bed way before I do.  I'm happy that he's working, and I'm grateful for the money it provides us, and I knew this was coming anyway!  I guess I just didn't realize that I'd have to go through an emotional adjustment.  The first thing I thought of as I started working through my feelings was a hip-hop dance from season 4 of "So You Think You Can Dance."  It was performed by Chelsie Hightower and Mark Kanemura to the song "Bleeding Love."  It's a beautiful and emotional dance that depicts a man getting ready to leave for his job, but the woman wants him to stay and be with her.  He has to go eventually, though, and you can just feel the woman's loneliness as he walks away.  There are many interpretations of the dance, but to me, it represents the turmoil I feel right now.  I miss Ben; I'd keep him by my side all day if I could, but I can't.  I can't be selfish. I know I'll get to the other side of this and be perfectly fine.  After all, Ben is going to have to work for many, many years to come.  But it's okay that I feel a little sad right now.  Some people might roll their eyes at such puppy-dog-like love, but I treasure this stage in our relationship.  Ben and I have only been married for two and half years; our love is still young and not worn down by time and hardship.  My sadness may be silly, but it's real, and it helps me love Ben even more.

Opening Pandora's Box

One of my biggest anti-anxiety techniques is to live in the present, because the past makes me guilty and the future makes me worried.  Living in the here and now helps me enjoy life and be happy.  However, I was raised with the belief that I can always improve myself, and I should look for opportunities to do so.  I still believe in this philosophy, but sometimes it butts head with my anxiety.  For example, I struggle with daily scripture study because of the guilt I often feel when I'm reminded of just how imperfect I am.  I try to counter this guilt with some of my anti-anxiety techniques, such as achieving a healthy balance verses "all-or-nothing" thinking.  Still, it's never fun to open the Pandora Box in my life.  In fact, a few days ago, I went through the all-too-unpleasant experience once again.  It went something like this:

"Herp, derp.  I've been feeling so good these days, I think it's time to set a new self-improvement goal for myself."

As I seek self-improvement, I'm forced to face all of the anxieties that I had been so careful to avoid during my day-to-day life (a.k.a. open the Pandora Box)

My blissful 'live in the present' philosophy crumbles under the scrutiny of my weaknesses.  At first, I'm like this ("I haven't changed at all!"), and then I'm like...

"Don't talk to me.  I hate everyone and everything right now."

With time, the irritability and anxiety of opening my Pandora Box fades away, allowing me to pursue my self-improvement goal after all.  It's an unfortunate occurrence that is both maddening and hilarious at the same time.  However, improvement is important to me, so I've learned to accept the temporary discouragement of my Pandora's Box in order to stretch and grow.  It's just another way I have to live with my anxiety.  I suppose it's not ideal, but it's reality, and I'm okay with that.  In the end, I get past my hateful mode (haha) and get back to being happy again.  It's an ongoing process that I hope will get better with time.

Darn Those Tears!

I'm an emotional person, which is pretty obvious considering I have anxiety.  I'm also terrible at hiding what I'm feeling.  If I'm having a bad day, it's written all over my face.  And I'm a shameless weeper.  Okay, shameless isn't exactly the word, because I'm quite embarrassed when the waterworks start.  And I guess I don't cry easily.  But if my tears are triggered, they don't stop for a while.  I'm especially moved by movie moments.  Below are some scenes that ALWAYS make me cry:

Scene: "The Lion King" Mufasa's death

Scene: "Up" Ellie and Carl's life

Scene: "Homeward Bound" when Shadow comes home

Scene: "Inception" saying good-bye to Mal

Scene: "Marley & Me" putting the dog to sleep

Crying is such a raw, intense emotion that is all-consuming.  Yet there's something refreshing about crying, too.  It's a release of epic proportions that washes away all dignity and mascara.  If someone accepts you in these blubbering moments, you know you have a true friend.  I don't like to cry, and I try to avoid it when possible, but I suppose crying is part of the human existence.  We all do it, so therefore, it's something that we all can understand.  If any of these scenes have made you cry, or any other movie scene, post it in the comments below.  Then we can all cry together.  ;)

How to Stay Awake While Driving - Abbey Style

A few weeks ago, I got to experience a very classic human phenomenon: driving for a really long distance in the middle of the night.  I won't get into the details of why, but let me tell you, it was...interesting.  As soon as I got onto the highway, I knew I needed to come up with strategies to keep myself from nodding off.  My wonderful husband bought me a Pepsi and wildberry Skittles, but I needed rules if I was going to survive the night.  Here's what I came up with:

1. I kept the air cold, because warm air makes me sleepy.  
2. I didn't use cruise control.  The constant need to check my speed kept me focused.  Relying on cruise control would have given my body a false sense of security, leading to sleep.
3. If I got groggy, I pinched myself soundly in the inner thigh as many times as needed until I was alert again.

These rules served as a good foundation, but I soon discovered that driving at night was not just about staying awake.  Music is my faithful companion on long drives, but in this insistence, my husband had to be at school in just a few hours after getting home and needed to catch as much sleep as possible.  I had to drive without the cheery companionship of music.  I was bored, and frankly, started going a little insane.  I have never seen the minutes pass by so slowly on a clock before!  I knew I had to do something if I was going to make it.  I started getting all philosophical on myself, saying:

"Abbey, my dear girl, time is relative.  One moment you are far from home, but in what seems the blinking of an eye, you will be snug in bed, and you will remember the past no more."

 This seemed to help (I think), but it still wasn't enough.  It was time to get creative.  On long car trips, my family likes to play the alphabet game, in which we choose a topic and everyone has to come up with a answer for each letter.  Why couldn't I play the alphabet game by myself?  It would challenge me and keep me focused.  I decided on Pokemon, because no one would ever play against me on that topic (I wonder why?)  So I began...

A = Ampharos, Absol, Arbok.
B = Beedrill, Bulbasaur, Blastoise.

When I finished the Pokemon alphabet, I decided to do Disney songs.  Every time I came up with an answer (A = "Arabian Nights" from Aladdin), I sang it under my breath.  I went through the entire alphabet this way, ending with Z = "Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah."  Even after that, I was still an hour away from home.  So I then proceed to sing all of the songs from "Phantom of the Opera" (although at that point, I was no longer singing quietly).  I also sang songs by Clay Aiken, Taylor Swift, and David Archuleta.  Eventually I returned to Disney songs.  I was just finishing up "I 2 I" from A Goofy Movie when we pulled into our drive way.  I did it!  I survived my first all-night drive!

Nailed it!

Meltdown! Part 2

Lately these days, I feel like my anxiety has been pretty stable.  I'm happy, work everyday, and have goals for a better future.  Last night, however, I was reminded how quickly I can go from...

 

To...

Let me tell you what happened.  I received a JCPenney gift card as one of my Christmas gifts, so Ben and I went to the mall with the hopes of buying me some new shoes.  I needed a middle-ranged shoe; not as casual as flip flops, but not as fancy as heels.  I quickly found the most adorable, comfortable black flats ever!  It was love at first sight.  I was ready to buy them and move onto the next thing on my list, but Ben said they were too dressy for what I was wearing, which was a button-down shirt and jeans.  I waved my hand at him and said, "Like you know anything about fashion!"  He challenged me to ask the cashier her opinion, so I marched right up to her with confidence and asked, "Are these shoes too dressy for my outfit?"  The cashier considered me a moment before saying, "Yes."  I was not expecting that, so this was my reaction:

"Oh...thanks."

Walk back to my seat.

Sit down and...

...and...

"WHHAAAAAAAAAA!!!"

I just started crying!  I don't know why, but I was an emotional wreck.  I felt very silly, crying in the middle of JCPenney.  I'm sure people were wondering what was wrong.  I'm glad no one said anything, because even though I was crying, my main emotion was anger.  Who did that cashier think she was, telling me those shoes were too good for me?!  Why did I live in a world where society dictated that I couldn't wear a pair of shoes?!  Darn it!

My wonderful husband didn't laugh at me, or judge me, or anything like that.  He just let me be emotional.  We found another pair of shoes that matched my casual outfit more, but I just couldn't get over those cute black flats.  Ben promised me that the next time we got paid, he would buy the flats for me.  I have the best husband in the world!

So this has been yet another anxiety-induced meltdown with comical flair.  The moral of the story is: even if I look composed on the outside, a meltdown can happen anywhere at anytime!  Nevertheless, I usually have anxiety-free days and lots of happy moments.  So the next time you break down and cry for whatever reason, don''t feel bad.  It just happens sometimes.  :)

Walk, Don't Run

I hate exercise.  I just hate it.  On and off throughout the years, I get all determined to get in shape.  I buy exercise clothes, get a gym membership, and feel all pumped up.  Then I actually start exercising.  I really respect people who get energized from exercising, like my husband.  Exercising drains me, physically and mentally.  Rather than giving me feel-good endorphins, I feel like I'm stuck on a torture machine.  This concerns my husband; he's worried that I'm dangerously out of shape.  But I think it's simply because I hate exercise.  The concept of running on a machine just for the purpose of getting tired is depressing.  It's not enjoyable, and I don't have the self-discipline to do it for the end product.  It's just...not natural.

Thankfully, there is more than one way to exercise, and I finally found my way: walking.  Every morning that Ben is home, I wake up fairly early and walk for two miles around my neighborhood.  I take in the fresh air and enjoy the scenery.  It's my quiet time to think and recharge my introvert batteries.  I walk at a steady pace for an hour and (*le gasp*) I actually feel energized afterwards!  It's a miracle!  Could it be that I actually like exercising now?  Yes and no.  In order to build a positive relationship with exercise, I had to find what worked for me.  Granted, walking is good exercise, but I'm certainly not "in shape".  In order to truly stretch and grow, I would have to push my body past it's comfort zone by doing some hard exercise.  But I'm not interested in that at this point in my life.  I want to be active, but I also want to enjoy it.

This is a philosophy that is present throughout my life.  I don't want to do things because I "should."  "Should" is a very dangerous word.  It evokes guilt, which for me, evokes anxiety.  I want to do what's right for my body, but I want to do it because I want to.  This goes for scripture study, cleaning, and yes, even blogging.  Back in my perfectionist days, I charted everything I did.  I would write up a Sunday through Saturday chart with the determination that I would accomplish a certain task (i.e. exercising) each day, and I would put the check mark on it to prove it.  But what if something came up and I was unable to exercise that day?  There would be a big blank spot on my chart, and my perfectionism would go crazy.  Now, I live without charts, without the "should" hanging over my head.  I take walks because I want to, and it makes my happy.  And guess what?  I have been taking these walks for over a month.  I have never stuck with exercise that long before!  And it's all because I do what makes me happy.  I don't have to push myself or trick myself or bribe myself to do it; I just do it because I want to.

Are there "should"s hanging over your head in your life?  I challenge you to try looking at it another way.  Try finding what makes you happy, and throw away the charts with the accusatory blank spots.  Just do what makes you happy, and you will find that you won't have to make yourself do it anymore.  You'll just want to.

Wasting Time

I used to hide the fact that I play Pokemon games because I was worried about what other people would think of me.  After all, Pokemon is a children's game.  Thanks to my husband, who assured me that there's nothing wrong with me playing Pokemon, I am now open with everyone about it and I'm not embarrassed anymore.  Well, most of the time...  Every once in a while, I begin to question my Pokemon hobby, especially when I am playing in a public place (like waiting at the dentist office).  The biggest thing I worry about is this: am I just wasting my time?

I've noticed that the female gender spends most of their time improving themselves in some form or fashion.  They read magazines to learn how to lose weight, decorate their houses, and bake cute desserts.  There are thousands of new ways to sew, decorate a party, grow a garden, save money, be fashionable...  The list of productive things to do never seems to end.  And the funny thing is, no matter how much a woman seems to accomplish, she never seems satisfied.  After all, there will always be new things to do.  Mind you, I believe it's always good to learn and grow, but after a long day's work, what if I just want to play Pokemon?  What if I just want to collect and raise virtual creatures on a video game?  Somehow, this seems like a bad thing to do.  I mean, if I just wanted to relax after working all day, I could at least do something like read a book or get on Facebook.  No one gets judged for doing these things, whether at a dentist office or at home.  They are more "productive", and therefore, more accepted.

But what is the reason for reading a book, or commented on Facebook, or playing a video game?  I would hope the reason is simply this: to bring happiness to the participant.  If the end goal is the same, then what does it matter what the activity is?  I remind myself that playing Pokemon makes me happy, so I have no reason to feel embarrassed or ashamed about playing it.  If cooking makes someone happy, then they should cook.  If exercising makes someone happy, then they should exercise.  If playing Pokemon makes someone happy, then they should play Pokemon.  It's good to seek improvement, but one thing anxiety has taught me is to just be happy with the person I am today.  I can do so much more with myself, but then again, I've already done so much.  Recognizing this and celebrating it is just as important as looking for the next big thing to work on.  Before anxiety, I used to base my self-worth and personal happiness off of the things I was able to accomplish (I'll write another blog post about this specifically in the future).  I was never satisfied with my progress, always worrying about not being good enough, and feeling guilty when I wasn't constantly improving myself.  Then anxiety came, and I thought my life was over.  Little did I know that anxiety would teach me so many beautiful truths that I was previously blind to.  Who knew that anxiety would lead me to true happiness and acceptance?  Today, I am happy with who I am, and there is no reason why I should feel any differently.

Is there something you like to do that brings you happiness?  Do you often feel guilty while doing it because it's not "productive"?  I'd like to challenge you to let go of that guilt and just be happy.  You are just as wonderful today as you will be tomorrow; you don't have to accomplish this or that to be worthy of happiness right now.  I know this is one of life's beautiful truths, and I hope it will eventually change your perspective on yourself like it did mine.

 

Shakiest Gun In the West

Ruger P90 (so scary!)

My husband loves guns, and today, we did some shooting with his Ruger P95.  It wasn't the first time I have shot his pistol (it was my third time, to be exact), so I wasn't as anxious as I was the first time.  I was terrified of shooting guns in the beginning.  The idea of holding a device that could kill someone with the slightest pull of the trigger...it scared me.  My greatest anxiety scenarios usually involve bad guys with guns, so I got anxious just at the mention of guns.  In fact, gun ownership was a great cause of contention during our engagement.  :)  But my husband, being the stalwart man he is, wanted to make sure I knew how to use his Ruger in case I ever needed to defend myself at home while he was gone.

Marlin model 60 (so fun!)

I started out by shooting Ben's Marlin model 60, a varmint rife, which was less powerful.  It almost felt like using a toy, so I did not feel anxious using it.  It's just that doggone pistol that scares the poo out of me!  I'm not as anxious as I was in the beginning, but I still get anxious, trust me.  My hands shake when I hold it, my shoulders get tense, and I always close my eye when I pull the trigger (not on purpose, mind you.  It makes for bad marksmanship, but I can't help it!)  The recoil feels like the pistol is going to either buck out of my hands or knock me off of my feet.  And once I pinched my hand really hard when I cocked it.  That gun is scary!

Despite my anxiety, however, I continue to practice shooting with my husband.  I can usually only last a few rounds, but today, I shot three rounds.  Thirty bullets; that's a record for me!  I'm proud to say that I know how to shoot, and I'm pretty good at it, too.  I'll still always be anxious when I shoot, but it's important for me to face my fears and push my limits.  My husband is proud of my progress, although he still wants me to keep working towards proficiency (Ben = "honey, let's have you practice cocking the pistol a few times, alright?"  Me = "I don't wanna!")  I'll continue learning how to shoot, because I refuse to let anxiety dictate what I can and can't do, and that's a habit I want to uphold throughout my life.  Below are some pictures of me shooting like a boss.  ;)

I got my eyes on the enemy...

 

Stop closing your eyes, girl!  You're freaking me out!

The purple marker highlights the bullet holes.  Yay, I killed the creeper!  :D

Don't Fear the Putt-Putt

Image from Speedcathollydale's blog

I love going to the beach!  It's a wonderful way to get away from the normal hustle and bustle of life and get caught up in the relaxing rhythm of the ocean waves.  It has become sort of a tradition to go putt-putt while at the beach, and there are no shortages of interesting locations to go to.  I'm not great at putt-putt, so it's really just a way to get outside and have fun with my family without pressure.  However, since I'm kind of an anxious person, I end up feeling pressure anyway.  Not from my family, though.  In the end, the pressure I experience is from myself, and after some contemplation, I came up with an interesting analogy.

So there I am, preparing to do a three-foot putt into the hole.  I might look cool and calm to everyone else, but inside, I am thinking:

"Oh no, what if I can't make this shot?  I can never do anything right.  There's no way I can make this shot!  I shouldn't even try."

Thankfully, my sane Unconditional Self steps in and says:

"Yes, you can do this.  If you believe you can do it, you will.  Don't listen to your anxieties.  Just concentrate and sink that ball into the hole." 

So I focus, and lo and behold, the ball rolls right into the hole.  I celebrate with a whoop, and then the anxieties begin again:

 "Oh no, now I've done it!  Everyone will expect me to be able to play putt-putt really well, and if I don't, then I'll be a complete and utter failure!  I have to stop being good at putt-putt to protect myself!"

Of course, this is complete baloney, so my Unconditional Self steps in:

 "What is wrong with you?!  Didn't you listen to a word I've been saying?  If you believe you can do it, you will!  You will make mistakes, 'cause that's part of life, but that doesn't mean you're a failure.  You have a talent, so don't be afraid to pursue it!  Show the world what you can do!"

This is a very dramatic example of what I struggle with every day of my life.  Anxiety makes me afraid to do things, especially the things I do well, in fear of failing.  This is why I haven't been working on my novel, or pursuing my love of art.  It's silly, but it's real.  What I work on everyday is helping my Unconditional Self rise above the fog of my anxious self (see my anxiety page to learn more about the Unconditional Self).  It's like having an evil twin that's always anxious and always trying to keep me stuck in my fear.  Kevin Bolk, creator of "I'm My Own Mascot" comics, understands this very well (click to read):

My husband once told me that having these anxious and fearful thoughts is completely normal.  It's when these thoughts keep me too fearful from pursuing my dreams that it becomes a problem.  Having anxiety isn't easy, but I'm learning to ignore the evil twin in my head and follow my passions.  I'm happy to say that I've been working on my novel again after months of inactivity.  Hooray!  :D  Every little victory helps.  So whenever I feel trapped in my own fear, I think of my experience with putt-putt and I rise above my anxieties.  Most of the time, anyway.  ;)

Meltdown!

About a month ago, I went off of my medicine in anticipation of getting pregnant.  I had learned enough anxiety-coping techniques to get by, right?  How wrong I was!  I could feel anxiety creeping back into my mind, and even with my coping techniques, it wasn't backing down.  The straw that broke the camel's back was when I went to take care of my tadpoles and saw two of them were dead!  Something had killed them!  I don't know exactly what happened, but I...SNAPPED!  I scooped the remaining tadpoles out of the tank and dumped out the water (I still don't know how that was supposed to help.)  I realized after the fact that I had no spring water to replace it with, so I rushed off to Walmart to buy some more, my mind abuzz with anxiety and irritability.  Walking through the store, I probably looked like this:

What people didn't see (and I'm sure glad they couldn't) was the internal conflict between my True Self and my Anxiety-Ridden Self:

"Get out of my way, dumb people!  My tadpoles - a summer's worth of sweat and tears - are dying as we speak!  Grrrrrr!  Get out of my way!"
 "Please, calm down!  You can't treat people like that.  Everything is going to be all right."
"Shut up, you!"

 
I was so angry about my tadpoles dying ("They can't die after all the hard work I put into them!") and distraught that they would all die ("See? I'm worthless at everything I do!") I proceeded to fill my cart with over $100 worth of fish supplies to start from scratch.  The internal conflict continued:

"What are you thinking?  Don't buy all that stuff!  You don't need it!  You are just being anxious."
"No, I have to buy this stuff NOW!  It's the only way to save my tadpoles!  Grrrrrrr!"

I then proceed to the checkout, like this:

The moment of truth had come.  I was just about to checkout and buy all this fish stuff that I didn't really need, fueled by anxiety and rage.  Finally, one thought rose above the others: "What will Ben (my husband) think when he sees all this stuff, and finds out how much money I spent?"  It was in that moment that I came to my senses.  I slowly looked down at all of the stuff in my cart, and said:

 "What am I doing?"

I slowly, and calmly, returned all of the fish supplies, bought the spring water I originally went for, and left Walmart.  I went home and refilled the tank and replaced the tadpoles.  The anxiety madness had passed, and left me feeling stupid and ashamed.  I shared the story with Ben and my mom, and they both thought it was pretty funny.  I realized that, really, it was.  Anxiety made it feel like such a big deal in the moment, but it was all very comical.  The next day, I could smile and laugh at my meltdown, and blog about it, too.  :)    Why am I sharing this?  Because maybe there's someone out there who has gone through a similar experience.  In my case, my meltdown was centered on my tadpoles, but it could have been anything.  Cleaning the house, exercising, remodeling, anything that could cause someone to rush off and spend lots of money to start over again.  If you have gone through something like this, please know that you are not alone.  Meltdowns are a part of life, and once survived, can give us a good laugh afterwards.

Save Me From the Internet!

I love the Internet.  Anytime I have a question about anything (and I mean ANYTHING), the Internet has the answer.  I mean, where else can you find out how to avoid razor burn, or why women open their mouths when they put on mascara?  Also, the infinite collection of opinions help me make smart decisions, like should I go see "Dark Shadows" in theaters?  (thank you, http://www.rottentomatoes.com!)  I can blog, browse amazing art, watch literally anything on YouTube, play games, stay connected with friends...  What can't the Internet do?  :D  There is, however, a downside to the Internet...

 

Yeah...I waste a lot of time on the Internet.  Now I'm a believer in the saying "Time you enjoyed wasting was not wasted," but there is still a line when it comes to the Internet, and I find myself crossing it all the time.  Everyone has their Achilles heel when it comes to time-wasting on the Internet.  For some, it's Facebook.  For others, its Tumblr.  It could be Blogger, Wikipedia, FarmVille, LOL Cats...the list goes on.  For me personally, it's Deviantart and Youtube.  For someone with anxiety, real life can be hard and cruel.  The Internet is an endless fairground of feel-goodness that is very easy to get addicted to.  Why face the world when you can watch America's Funniest Home videos instead?  Sometimes, the only time I really get productive things accomplished is when this happens...

Today, I am glad to say that I am less of an Internet addict than I used to be.  I am a wife, and soon to be a mother, so I can't afford to have my eyes glued to a computer screen all day.  That aside, I want to spend less time on the computer, anyway.  Part of my unschooling background is the focus on real, down-to-earth activities that are good and wholesome.  In a sense, these activities are still "wasting time," but they somehow feel more "good for me" than the Internet.  For example, I've picked up drawing and coloring again.  I'm also going to try my hand at painting sculputres with acrylic paint thanks to an awesome gift my husband got me for my birthday.  And just yesterday I took an hour long walk with my darling dog, just enjoying the fresh air and cool evening.  Life is hard, that's for sure, and it is easy to want to take refuge from it on the Internet.  But life is wonderful, too, and it can only be experienced when I shut off my computer.  Of course, I'll always love the Internet, and you'll see me on the ol' computer at least once or twice or thrice a day.  But I'll always be striving for balance between the real world and the Internet world.  Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to peruse iwastesomuchtime.com while I eat lunch.  ;)