The "Clean-Slate" Syndrome

This blog post is four stories rolled into one. The first and main story is about the "Clean-Slate" syndrome, a destructive anxiety-influenced habit that dictated my relationships for a part of my life. The second story is about how I met the man of my dreams. The third story partly describes how I developed an anxiety disorder that haunted me for the next year of my life. The fourth, and best story, is how I overcame both the clean-slate syndrome and anxiety, and married before-mentioned man of my dreams.

I think I always knew that I had the "Clean-Slate" syndrome. Whenever things didn't go quite right, or I made a mistake, or I neglected something for a long time, I wanted to leave and start fresh. This especially happened with people. It's a form of "all-or-nothing" thinking, which is a big aspect of anxiety. It is also tied with perfectionism, which I definitely had a problem with. These related topics, however, are a little too vast to include in this post. So I'll continue with the "Clean-Slate" syndrome.

Growing up, I was a late-bloomer when it came to socializing. I didn't wear make-up until I was sixteen years old, and I wanted nothing to do with boys until I was eighteen. When I finally became interested in the social scene, I had developed a bad reputation for myself. Well, bad isn't exactly the right word. Basically, people viewed me as the "weird" girl who was nice and all, but was not worth approaching. This was my fault since I didn't want to be social with them, but now that I wanted to change that, I had a stigma that I could not shake. Rather than trying to reassert myself into my local social scene, I wanted to start fresh. I wanted to learn perfect socializing tools. I wanted a clean slate. I started going to Young Single Adult activities in the stake where I met lots of new people who did not know about my unsocial days. It didn't take long, however, before I wanted to start fresh again. I was still new to flirting with boys and hanging out with girls, and after a series of "mistakes," I was ready for a new clean slate. I wanted another chance to do things perfect, so I headed to college. Brigham Young University was a wonderful experience. Nevertheless, I continued to clean-slate my life. New roommates, new wards, new clubs, new classes, new gathering places. Old friends that I let down, crushes that didn't work out, and experiences that didn't quite go right were left behind. Each time I clean-slated, I felt like I "succeeded" at the next thing a little better. To me, clean-slating was about building skill and knowledge that would help me avoid mistakes in the future. There is some truth to this, naturally, but I was still seeking perfection that did not exist. Thankfully, when I came back to North Carolina for summer break, I met someone who would change me forever.

I had heard about Ben from my dad. He told me a new young adult had moved into my ward's boundary, and my dad was going to set me up on a date with him when I got home. I had gone on a few set-ups at college, and while they were good dates, they didn't go anywhere. So I didn't think anymore about Ben...until I went to my home ward. My mom and I were standing in the foyer after sacrament meeting. She gestured toward the chapel doors and whispered, "Oh, that's Ben over there." I turned and saw the hottest Asian man walking toward me. I literally spun around, threw my arms around my mom, and whispered, "Oh my gosh, he's hot!" That was the beginning of it all. :)













Ben and I fell for each other fast and hard. He was the first man I had ever held hands with and kissed, and my first real boyfriend. I was having the time of my life! After dating for about four months, we were already talking about marriage. We even went looking at rings. Then...

RRRRRAAAAAAAAWWWW!!!!!






That's right. We had a series of fights. We both said pretty mean things to each other, and came really close to breaking up. In the end, we decided to stay together. However, I was never quite the same. I wanted the clean slate, just like with those college friends. I made mistakes that would forever taint Ben and I's relationship (or so I thought). I had failed to maintain the perfect relationship, so I wanted to take my new knowledge and apply it to a new boyfriend. There was just one little problem...



I was in love.











I couldn't leave; not this time. I wanted to be with Ben so badly, and it killed me just thinking about letting him go. And yet I still ached to start fresh. I still yearned for perfection. I realized that if I wanted to be with Ben, there would never be a clean slate with him. There was no way I could take back the hurt that I inflicted on him. I would never have a perfect record with him. We would have to progress with that history and those memories. He had discovered the real me, the one who is FULL of imperfection. There was no guarantee that Ben would love the real me. If he decided to leave, there would be nothing I could do to stop him. I couldn't control the outcome of this relationship; I never could. Perfection was always an illusion, and when I realized this, my perfect little world that I created fell apart. I was weak, vulnerable, dirty...imperfect. Yet I could not run anymore. I had to continue down the path that lay before me if I wanted to be with Ben, and to be honest, I was terrified. I no longer had the benefit of being viewed through rose-colored glasses or seen as the perfect girlfriend. I had to stand up for myself, and I had no idea whether it would be enough. This is when I had my first anxiety attacks.

















Of course, anxiety didn't help any. My imperfect self was already exposed to Ben, and now I was melting down and freaking out. I was beyond imperfect! Ben truly saw me at my worst. I thought for sure that he would never love me after everything I put him through, but he did. He stayed with me, even through all of the crap. And trust me, the crap continued even through our four-month engagement. But we made it. Our wedding day was WONDERFUL! As scary as it was, I didn't run away when things got bad and imperfect. I put my trust in Ben, and vice versa. And now I know the meaning of true love.


















This story marked the end of the "Clean-Slate" syndrome, but my journey with Ben was just the beginning of a personal transformation. After everything I went through, I learned the dangers of perfection, judgement, projection, and expectations. I also learned the true meaning of love, trust, faith, hope, forgiveness, and peace. I still struggle with anxiety, but it does not dictate my life anymore. And Ben is still the man of my dreams. :) I'm so lucky that I married my best friend, my faithful protector, and my compassionate supporter. There will probably many future blog posts that will refer to my transformation journey, and I'm still learning everyday. But now I don't feel the urge to clean-slate anymore. Life is a miracle and a blessing, imperfections and all.

Songs Have Color

One of the unique and strange things about me is that whenever I listen to a song, a color pops into my head. It's not a conscious thing; it just happens. The color isn't the main thought at the forefront of my brain; it's more like a backdrop, like a desktop wallpaper. At this time, there is no rhyme or reason to these colors, but to me, the color/song match-ups just make sense. Below are some examples:

"Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore" by Reo Speedwagon.

A lovely blend of pink and sky blue.

My song colors are rarely just a solid color, or even a single color. They move and flow with the music, fast or slow, depending on the beat. I'm using desktop wallpaper to give the most accurate example I can. :)

"Bad" by Michael Jackson.

Orange and red mixed.

"Poker Face" by Lady Gaga.

Black with a mix of violet.

Club songs usually have a black base to it with brighter colors that flash across the "screen." "Poker Face" consists of mainly purple, but some songs, like "You Make Me Feel" by Cobra Starship, is a cacophony of rainbow lines that flash and twirl.

"Halo" by Beyonce.

Different shades of orange.

Along with the different shades of orange, there is a touch of "sunlight" in this song.

An interesting fact about colors and classical music! Classical pieces, like from Beethoven, do not stay one color. In fact, classical music changes so quickly, it's really hard for my brain to keep track of what color it is! One day, while my dad was listening to classical music on the radio, he asked me what color it was in my head. In a matter of a few seconds, it went from navy blue, to cream with brown lines, to hot red! I believe this occurred because classical music is much more complex and sophisticated than your average song. It's kind of cool. :)

I believe I have a song/color connection because of my creative mind. What appears in your mind when you listen to music? Who knows what kind of mental images something as powerful as music can evoke.

Am I Crazy...or Creative?

I like to stay fairly up-to-date on the latest viral videos that pops up across the Internet. Recently, I saw a somewhat disturbing video of an interview with Charlie Sheen. I don't really know much about the guy except that he's an actor who does a lot of partying. My reaction to his eccentric interview was, "O-k-a-y, he's a psycho." At the same time, however, I was intrigued by some of his comments, especially relating to his unpredictable mannerisms. Below is the beginning of the interview:

Interviewer: "Your anger and your hate is coming off as erratic to people."
Sheen: "Passion. My passion. It's all passion."
Interviewer: "Okay, your passion is coming off as erratic to people."
Sheen: "Well, you borrow my brain for five seconds, and just be like ‘dude, can’t handle it, unplug this b******’. Yeah, because it just fires in a way that’s just is, um, I don’t know, maybe not from this particular terrestrial realm."
Interviewer: "I think some of those things that you're putting out there are making people think something's wrong with you. Some are saying that you're bi-polar."
Sheen: "Wow, what does that mean?"
Interviewer: "I guess that you are on two ends of the spectrum."
Sheen: "Wow, and then what? What’s the cure? Medicine? Make me like them? Not gonna happen. I’m bi-winning. I win here and I win there. Now what?"

In case you're interested in seeing the whole interview, here's a link.

So...Charlie Sheen has erratic behavior, which he calls passion. Is this a problem that needs to be solved, or is it the key to his creativity? Now I am NOT saying that it's okay to party, do drugs, and be a womanizer. What I am saying is that Sheen doesn't consider his eccentricity to be a disability. Bi-polar is seen as a bad thing to have, but Sheen declares that bi-polar, or bi-winning, is what makes him who he is. He doesn't want to be "cured," because otherwise, he wouldn't be the famous person that he is anymore.

This got me thinking about my anxiety. Naturally, anxiety is a bad thing to have. It's considered a disability, and there is medicine and other treatments for it. But then I got to thinking...what if anxiety is the price for my creativity? I have the ability to imagine and create things that "normal" people around me can't. I'm a deeply sensitive and emotional individual. Because of this, I can delve deep into my emotions and pull inspiration from them. Perhaps it also means that I am more prone to a mental disability, like anxiety.

Think of a creative person like a watermelon. The pink fruit represents the amazing stuff that the creative person can make. Art, acting, writing, dance, photography... The world would be such an immensely boring place without creative people. However, the watermelon is also dotted with black seeds. The creative person can't help but run into them as they delve into their creativity. The seeds represent a mental disability of some sort. Anxiety, bi-polar, anorexia, depression... These weaknesses are a challenge to deal with, but they don't mean that the person is "broken." It just means that with great strengths comes great weaknesses.

Here's an illustration I've made that explains this concept further. The first person is a normal, average, run-of-the-mill, respectable citizen. This is the person who has normal strengths
(i.e. keeps a decent job, maintains a good marriage, retires at a good age) and normal weaknesses (i.e. doesn't get enough sleep at night, has no patience at checkout lines, can't keep the house clean for more than five minutes). The second person, however, is someone with a mental disability, or as I like to call it, a mental weakness. They can barely - if at all - hold a job, go to college, or maintain a relationship. They always feel sad, angry, irritable, guilty, and/or miserable. Normal people just don't understand why people with a mental weakness can't just suck it up. "Crap happens," they say. "Just deal with it like us normal people." This, of course, makes the person with a mental weakness feel even more like crap. They give up trying, because apparently their best is never good enough. Eventually, they just accept themselves as a broken human being; a mistake that never should have been put in the world in the first place. Often times, suicide follows.


The next picture, however, illustrates how people with mental weaknesses should view themselves. The reason they have a mental weakness is because they have an abnormal amount of strength. They can write bestsellers! Paint masterpieces! Act until their audience is bawling like a baby! With this amount of talent, creative people could rule the world! So, naturally, there has to be opposition in all things. Because they are so intensely talented, creative people are also intensely tormented. This sucks no matter how you slice it, but at least I don't have to go through life thinking I'm a broken human being. I may have challenges, but it will be worth it in the end. Not only do I hope to publish books someday, but I also hope I can help people with the same weaknesses I have understand just what amazing people they really are. We creative people are incredible.

Think of all the amazing, creative people in history. Michael Jackson, Heath Ledger, Charles Dickens, Elvis Presley, Virginia Woolf, Harrison Ford, even Isaac Newton... All of these people had a mental weakness of some kind. Some of them, like Virginia Woolf, reached a point in their lives in which their weakness outweighed their strengths, leading to suicide. I strongly believe that it's no coincidence that both past and modern geniuses have emotional difficulties. It goes to show that nothing comes without a price. The more we understand and appreciate the creative person, the less they will have to suffer alone. It's my goal to spread this philosophy so that people like me can be truly proud of who they are, even with their weaknesses.

So, in answer to my original question, am I crazy or creative? For me and a lot of other people out in the world, we're both. :)

"She Can't Handle Her TV"

I had an interesting experience tonight while watching TV with my husband. To be exact, we were watching Netflix; we don't have cable by choice. We were watching the 7th or 8th episode of a cool show called "White Collar." Ben and I like the two main characters, but at the end of the episode, one of the good guys turned out to be the bad guy! I was stunned, and frankly, a little upset. But a show is a show, so I accepted it and was prepared to move on. In the next episode, however, it turned out that the good guy who we thought was a bad guy was still a good guy. Yay! All's well that ends well, right?

At the end of the episode, Ben turned to me and said, "See? I knew he couldn't have been the bad guy. But look at you! You were ready to accept he was a scumbag."
I wanted to get a laugh out of Ben, so I said dramataclly, "You can't become too involved with a TV show, Ben. In the end, you will only get hurt."
Ben laughed, and said something quite insightful: "Is that why you watch America's Home Videos over and over? Because it's safe?"

In that moment, I realized he was right! I do watch AFV a lot. I've watched so many episodes, I'm pretty sure I've seen every clip from the show at least ten times. In a way, I always wondered why I couldn't stop watching AFV, even when it was just another rerun, but now I know why.

I'm a very sensitive person. This is good in a lot of ways. But it also means that I'm highly affected by emotionally-triggering things, like TV shows. I know that it's all pretend. No one dies, no one gets hurt. They all go home after acting on set and live a real life. But my high imagination is very invested in pretend things. As far as my imagination is concerned, "White Collar" is real. It's this vivid imagination that helps me write books, do art, etc. And it also sends me on an emotional roller coaster during a simple TV show.

At the start of the show, I'm all like...



"I can handle this. I'm an adult; it's just a show."






After the show, even after the TV is turned off, I'm usually like...


"That was so intense. I can't believe [that terrible thing happened] or [such and such died]. I was so emotionally invested in that character and now that [this or that occurred], who knows what will happen next? No one is safe. The characters that I love could be taken away from me at any moment. Oh, the world is so cruel! Where's my husband? Don't die on me, too, honey! DON'T DIE!" *huddles under blanket*



Clearly, this is an example of how creativity is both a blessing and a curse. The fact that my husband understands why I get so weepy during shows is a great comfort, and in the end, it really is just a show. As I continue to discover, understand, and accept my weaknesses, they will have less and less power over me. And being able to laugh at myself is important, too. Are there things in your life that sometimes evoke these same kind of reactions? To this day, Ben and I watch "White Collar," and we look forward to each episode's twists and turns, ups and downs, sorrows and triumphs.

What Makes Me Significant?

I'm starting to understand a thing or two about life. No, that's not quite right. 'To understand' is not a one-time event or an end goal. It's a process of gathering. I understood something new a few weeks ago, and today, I understand even more. It's the "increased light" philosophy that the Lord talks about in Doctrine and Covenants 50:24, which says,

"That which is of God is ^alight; and he that ^breceiveth ^clight, and ^dcontinueth in God, receiveth more ^elight; and that light groweth brighter and brighter until the perfect day."

I'm beginning to understand that this philosophy applies to almost every point of my life. For a short time, I saw a therapist every week to help with my overwhelming anxiety (which was WONDERFUL while it lasted). My therapist taught me that I have subconscious thoughts that dictate how I view things, like sunglasses that paint the world in a certain way. He called them "super highways" of thought. One of my super highways is this...

My subconscious thought: "I am an imperfect being. I am nothing. In order to become truly significant, I must reach (these) ideals and accomplish (those) tasks. Then I will be worthy of (this) and (that)."

This super highway is destructive because it makes me believe that who I am today isn't good enough. Being significant isn't a one-time event or an end goal. I was significant two weeks ago; I am significant today; I will be significant tomorrow. Even when I was at my worst this month, I was significant. This is because my significance does not diminish, but only grows. It can stand still, but it never diminishes. Why? Because significance, like understanding, is not measured by a wall chart. I AM SIGNIFICANCE. It's inside me; it's a part of me that can never be removed. I may lose sight of it, or forget about it, or doubt that it exists, but it's always there. In this way, it can never be truly taken away from me.

Today, I am significant, and I have a lot of understanding, too. Just the fact that I am living and breathing here today is a miracle and a blessing. I don't have to DO anything to be worthy of that. I just am.

"The Search for Significance"

by Robert S. McGee

is an excellent book that

addresses the tendency we

have to base our significance

on the things we accomplish.

Along with my LDS religion,

this book inspired this blog post.

I would recommend it

to anyone. :)