Don't Fear the Putt-Putt

Image from Speedcathollydale's blog

I love going to the beach!  It's a wonderful way to get away from the normal hustle and bustle of life and get caught up in the relaxing rhythm of the ocean waves.  It has become sort of a tradition to go putt-putt while at the beach, and there are no shortages of interesting locations to go to.  I'm not great at putt-putt, so it's really just a way to get outside and have fun with my family without pressure.  However, since I'm kind of an anxious person, I end up feeling pressure anyway.  Not from my family, though.  In the end, the pressure I experience is from myself, and after some contemplation, I came up with an interesting analogy.

So there I am, preparing to do a three-foot putt into the hole.  I might look cool and calm to everyone else, but inside, I am thinking:

"Oh no, what if I can't make this shot?  I can never do anything right.  There's no way I can make this shot!  I shouldn't even try."

Thankfully, my sane Unconditional Self steps in and says:

"Yes, you can do this.  If you believe you can do it, you will.  Don't listen to your anxieties.  Just concentrate and sink that ball into the hole." 

So I focus, and lo and behold, the ball rolls right into the hole.  I celebrate with a whoop, and then the anxieties begin again:

 "Oh no, now I've done it!  Everyone will expect me to be able to play putt-putt really well, and if I don't, then I'll be a complete and utter failure!  I have to stop being good at putt-putt to protect myself!"

Of course, this is complete baloney, so my Unconditional Self steps in:

 "What is wrong with you?!  Didn't you listen to a word I've been saying?  If you believe you can do it, you will!  You will make mistakes, 'cause that's part of life, but that doesn't mean you're a failure.  You have a talent, so don't be afraid to pursue it!  Show the world what you can do!"

This is a very dramatic example of what I struggle with every day of my life.  Anxiety makes me afraid to do things, especially the things I do well, in fear of failing.  This is why I haven't been working on my novel, or pursuing my love of art.  It's silly, but it's real.  What I work on everyday is helping my Unconditional Self rise above the fog of my anxious self (see my anxiety page to learn more about the Unconditional Self).  It's like having an evil twin that's always anxious and always trying to keep me stuck in my fear.  Kevin Bolk, creator of "I'm My Own Mascot" comics, understands this very well (click to read):

My husband once told me that having these anxious and fearful thoughts is completely normal.  It's when these thoughts keep me too fearful from pursuing my dreams that it becomes a problem.  Having anxiety isn't easy, but I'm learning to ignore the evil twin in my head and follow my passions.  I'm happy to say that I've been working on my novel again after months of inactivity.  Hooray!  :D  Every little victory helps.  So whenever I feel trapped in my own fear, I think of my experience with putt-putt and I rise above my anxieties.  Most of the time, anyway.  ;)

My Adventures with Aromatherapy

Image from crowwing.com

Since I suffer from anxiety, I've looked into several natural remedies for the body.  Aromatherapy is the therapeutic use of plant-derived, aromatic essential oils to promote physical and psychological well-being.  It is sometimes used in combination with massage and other therapeutic techniques as part of a holistic treatment approach (definition from TheFreeDictionary).  I like natural smells, like the kind from flowers, so I decided to give aromatherapy a try.  My mom bought me a collection of essential oils from Eden's Garden for Christmas.  She bought the synergy set, which came with cute, little bottles of:

Meditation = ylang ylang, patchouli, frankincense, clary sage, orange sweet, and thyme essential oils.
Stress Relief = bergamot, patchouli, blood orange, ylang, ylang, and grapefruit essential oils.
Aphrodisiac = ylang ylang, patchouli, orange sweet, lavender, sandalwood, and jasmine essential oils.
Relaxation =  lavender, marjoram, patchouli, mandarin, geranium, and chamomile essential oils.
Renew = frankincense, tea tree, rosemary, lemon, eucalyptus, and orange sweet essential oils.
Breathe Easy = peppermint, rosemary, lemon, and eucalyptus essential oils.

(Click on the different essential oils to learn more about them!)

Image from Eden's Garden

In the short time I've experimented with essential oils, I have learned 2 warnings and 2 positive experiences.

Warning #1: Essential oils are potent!

Essential oils are natural, but they are NOT subtle.  In fact, they are more like flowers on steroids!  When I first got my essential oils, I made the mistake of putting 5 drops of lavender in the water of my oil burner.  The smell was sweet, but it was so strong, it made me sick to my stomach.  The aroma penetrated my skin, my bones, my very soul!  Aromatherapy is the real deal!  I quickly learned to only put 2 drops of essential oil in my oil burner.  A little goes a long way.

Warning #2: Essential oils can give you giant zits!

I was feeling very earthy one day, and decided to dab a drop of lavender essential oil on the skin right above my collar bone.  That way, the healing aroma would rise into my nostrils as I went throughout my day.  It worked quite well, until I came home from work and looked in my mirror...

In the exact spot I dabbed the oil, I had grown the biggest, whitest zit I had ever seen!  I NEVER get zits on my chest, yet there it was, throbbing at me menacingly!  From now on, I try not to put the essential oil on my skin.

Positive Experience #1: Smelling essential oils makes me feel happy and zenny!
 
In a world where 'artificial' is the norm in just about every aspect of our lives, using something that is natural just makes me feel good.  In my opinion, half of the effectiveness of aromatherapy comes from the positive thoughts and feelings it invokes in me.  The essential oils (when diluted properly) smell wonderful, like the inside of a dream.  The aroma makes me feel like I'm smelling something far greater and purer than anything mankind can ever make by themselves.  The aroma is cleansing and penetrates deep.  I just like using them.  I haven't invested in a diffuser or anything cool like that, but I don't have to have one to enjoy aromatherapy right now.  For some really cool tips on how to use essential oils in your day-to-day life, just check out this articles by Eden's Garden: 40 Ways to Use.

Positive Experience #2: Essential oils have successfully chased my anxiety away.

 I am more of a believer in cognitive therapy verses more physical treatments when it comes to my anxiety.  I am especially leery of the seemingly 'mystical' treatments.  I mean, just because you made your pills out of organic seeds from some plant I haven't even heard of doesn't mean that it will cure my anxiety!  I do believe that these natural supplements have the ability to help control anxiety's power over the mind, but not every pill will work for every person who tries it.  And there are so many out there to try!  Perhaps I am a believer in cognitive therapy because the idea of researching and experimenting with so many supplements is just way too overwhelming.
I can testify, however, that aromatherapy definitely has some power over my anxiety.  One day, I was feeling anxious and jittery for no apparent reason.  That's the worse kind of anxiety: the kind that has no reason or purpose other than to torture me.  I decided to breathe in some lavender essential oil, which is the best oil for dealing with anxiety.  Within a couple breaths, my anxious feelings were gone!  I was shocked by how well it worked, cause as I said before, I'm not exactly a believer.  But I could not deny that the essential oil had calmed my body and mind.  I was thrilled!  To this day, I am a believer in the power and effectiveness aromatherapy.
Now, this does not mean that aromatherapy alone can control my anxiety, or that breathing lavender fumes will chase away any anxious feelings I have anytime, every time.  But I am happy that I have essential oils to use in my daily life.  They are just another part of my anxiety-conquering plan.  So if you have been considering experimenting with essential oils in your life, I wholeheartedly encourage you to do so.  Just remember, essential oils are stronger than you might think, so have a gas mask handy, just in case.  ;)

The Forest In My Heart

 

Image by lucias-tears

I've been struggling with some anxious thought patterns these days and thought I'd share an interesting analogy that has emerged from it.  Every person has a forest in their heart.  I have one, too.  This forest is teeming with life, each creature and plant representing a part of myself.  Each tree is a skill that I'm developing.  Some are tall and sure, while others are still growing.  The birds are my dreams, the stream is my desire to explore the world, etc.  And flowers!  Flowers are everywhere.  My forest is a beautiful and personal place.  Or, at least it was.

When I developed an anxiety disorder, it felt like I was losing myself to its dark, twisted depths.  My passion and talents diminished, my confidence shattered, and my dreams were lost.  It felt like the forest in my heart was burning to the ground.

Image from www.erh.noaa.gov

Everything I had worked towards in the past twenty-two years of my life was gone.  There was nothing in my heart but smoldering pain and choking ashes.  I didn't know who I was anymore.  I was almost destroyed by it.

Maybe you have gone through a similar experience as this.  It's frightening to lose everything.  But the thing is, you haven't lost everything.  I thought I had, but in time, I caught little glimpses of myself shining through the anxiety.  It was like little sprouts pushing their way through the dirt and ash.  I was still in a lot of pain, and I had to redefine everything again, but I was willing to try.  I was willing to regrow the forest in my heart.  It wasn't easy.  It took a lot of work, a lot of pain, and a lot of time.  Today, my forest does not have the same majesty of my first forest.  But after everything I've learned about myself and anxiety, my forest fire was not a tragedy.  Just like in real life, a forest fire plays an important role.  The fire clears out dead brush and noxious weeds, giving new plants a chance to take their place.  The forest fire in my heart was purged of pride and false perceptions, allowing new and life-changing virtues to grow and flourish.  I can now say that I am a better woman because of anxiety.

The forest in my heart still has a long way to go.  The fire was necessary, but it certainly didn't feel good in the moment, and neither does the feeling of inadequacy that follows.  But despite the anxiety that plagues me day to day, I am still me, and I always will be.  My forest may still be lacking in many ways, but in time, flowers will grow again in the forest of my heart.

Check It Out! - The Spoon Theory

My mom shared an awesome analogy she found on a website called "But You Don't Look Sick."  It's a website intended to support Lupus, and the Spoon Theory is an analogy for Lupus, but I could immediately apply it to my anxiety disorder.  Please visit www.butyoudon'tlooksick.com to read the full article and check out the rest of the website!

 

It can be difficult for "normal" people to understand the daily struggles a person with a mental disability faces everyday.  Even I, back in my self-righteous and pre-anxious days, couldn't understand why people would let their mental disabilities get them down.  Eventually, I developed an anxiety disorder as well (wow, talk about karma).  NOW I understood what it was like.  All of my self-righteous judgments melted away.  But it pained me to know that there were still people out there who, like my old self, judged those with mental disabilities.  There are some people who even have the nerve to think that mental disabilities aren't real.  How can I explain what it's like to truly live with anxiety?  The answer came with the Spoon Theory!  Please, I earnestly invite you to read the full article here, but I'd also like to give the short version of the Spoon Theory with you.

Image from www.butyoudontlooksick.com 

Christine (the woman who came up with the theory) was at a restaurant with her friend.  Even though they had been friends for a long time, her friend asked what it was like to live with Lupus.  Christine grabbed all of the available spoons from their table and other nearby tables, put them in her friends hands, and said, “Here you go, you have Lupus."  The spoons represented the energy and effort one could expend in a day.  Most people have infinite amount of spoons, but her friend only had twelve.  Christine then instructed her friend to go through a typical workday.  As her friend said, "Get out of bed," Christine took one of the spoons.  Her friend said, "Take a shower," and Christine took away a spoon.  Before she had even gotten to work, half of her spoons were gone.  How was she going to make it through the work day?  And once she was back home, how could she then have the energy to do chores, laundry, and cook dinner?  Through this analogy, Christine really demonstrated how carefully one must use their energy accordingly when they suffer from Lupus.

Now, I will apply my anxiety disorder to the Spoon Theory.  When I wake up, I know I have to spend a certain amount of my limited spoons on my job.  When I come home, I might be able to do some chores, but if I had an especially hard time at work, I just don't have the "spoons" to do so.  If I have an anxiety attack during the day, I may no longer have enough "spoons" to work on my book or go out with friends, because dealing with anxiety attacks requires a lot of "spoons."  I must try my best to plan ahead of time how I will use my spoons so I can get the most out of my day.  Therefore, if someone asks me to do a big, unexpected favor for them, I might have a mental breakdown because I don't have enough "spoons" to handle the extra work.  The Spoon Theory is a great way for people to understand what living with a mental disability is like.  Even now, my mom and I talk about how many "spoons" we have or need or used up, and smile knowingly at each other.

Once again, I urge you to read the original Spoon Theory, because I just don't do it justice.  You will be glad you did.  :)  Do you or someone you know suffer from Lupus, a mental disability, or something else that makes their life difficult?  Share this with them!  It will make them smile and nod in total understanding.  

Image from The "But You Don't Look Sick" Gift Shop

 

Meltdown!

About a month ago, I went off of my medicine in anticipation of getting pregnant.  I had learned enough anxiety-coping techniques to get by, right?  How wrong I was!  I could feel anxiety creeping back into my mind, and even with my coping techniques, it wasn't backing down.  The straw that broke the camel's back was when I went to take care of my tadpoles and saw two of them were dead!  Something had killed them!  I don't know exactly what happened, but I...SNAPPED!  I scooped the remaining tadpoles out of the tank and dumped out the water (I still don't know how that was supposed to help.)  I realized after the fact that I had no spring water to replace it with, so I rushed off to Walmart to buy some more, my mind abuzz with anxiety and irritability.  Walking through the store, I probably looked like this:

What people didn't see (and I'm sure glad they couldn't) was the internal conflict between my True Self and my Anxiety-Ridden Self:

"Get out of my way, dumb people!  My tadpoles - a summer's worth of sweat and tears - are dying as we speak!  Grrrrrr!  Get out of my way!"
 "Please, calm down!  You can't treat people like that.  Everything is going to be all right."
"Shut up, you!"

 
I was so angry about my tadpoles dying ("They can't die after all the hard work I put into them!") and distraught that they would all die ("See? I'm worthless at everything I do!") I proceeded to fill my cart with over $100 worth of fish supplies to start from scratch.  The internal conflict continued:

"What are you thinking?  Don't buy all that stuff!  You don't need it!  You are just being anxious."
"No, I have to buy this stuff NOW!  It's the only way to save my tadpoles!  Grrrrrrr!"

I then proceed to the checkout, like this:

The moment of truth had come.  I was just about to checkout and buy all this fish stuff that I didn't really need, fueled by anxiety and rage.  Finally, one thought rose above the others: "What will Ben (my husband) think when he sees all this stuff, and finds out how much money I spent?"  It was in that moment that I came to my senses.  I slowly looked down at all of the stuff in my cart, and said:

 "What am I doing?"

I slowly, and calmly, returned all of the fish supplies, bought the spring water I originally went for, and left Walmart.  I went home and refilled the tank and replaced the tadpoles.  The anxiety madness had passed, and left me feeling stupid and ashamed.  I shared the story with Ben and my mom, and they both thought it was pretty funny.  I realized that, really, it was.  Anxiety made it feel like such a big deal in the moment, but it was all very comical.  The next day, I could smile and laugh at my meltdown, and blog about it, too.  :)    Why am I sharing this?  Because maybe there's someone out there who has gone through a similar experience.  In my case, my meltdown was centered on my tadpoles, but it could have been anything.  Cleaning the house, exercising, remodeling, anything that could cause someone to rush off and spend lots of money to start over again.  If you have gone through something like this, please know that you are not alone.  Meltdowns are a part of life, and once survived, can give us a good laugh afterwards.

Save Me From the Internet!

I love the Internet.  Anytime I have a question about anything (and I mean ANYTHING), the Internet has the answer.  I mean, where else can you find out how to avoid razor burn, or why women open their mouths when they put on mascara?  Also, the infinite collection of opinions help me make smart decisions, like should I go see "Dark Shadows" in theaters?  (thank you, http://www.rottentomatoes.com!)  I can blog, browse amazing art, watch literally anything on YouTube, play games, stay connected with friends...  What can't the Internet do?  :D  There is, however, a downside to the Internet...

 

Yeah...I waste a lot of time on the Internet.  Now I'm a believer in the saying "Time you enjoyed wasting was not wasted," but there is still a line when it comes to the Internet, and I find myself crossing it all the time.  Everyone has their Achilles heel when it comes to time-wasting on the Internet.  For some, it's Facebook.  For others, its Tumblr.  It could be Blogger, Wikipedia, FarmVille, LOL Cats...the list goes on.  For me personally, it's Deviantart and Youtube.  For someone with anxiety, real life can be hard and cruel.  The Internet is an endless fairground of feel-goodness that is very easy to get addicted to.  Why face the world when you can watch America's Funniest Home videos instead?  Sometimes, the only time I really get productive things accomplished is when this happens...

Today, I am glad to say that I am less of an Internet addict than I used to be.  I am a wife, and soon to be a mother, so I can't afford to have my eyes glued to a computer screen all day.  That aside, I want to spend less time on the computer, anyway.  Part of my unschooling background is the focus on real, down-to-earth activities that are good and wholesome.  In a sense, these activities are still "wasting time," but they somehow feel more "good for me" than the Internet.  For example, I've picked up drawing and coloring again.  I'm also going to try my hand at painting sculputres with acrylic paint thanks to an awesome gift my husband got me for my birthday.  And just yesterday I took an hour long walk with my darling dog, just enjoying the fresh air and cool evening.  Life is hard, that's for sure, and it is easy to want to take refuge from it on the Internet.  But life is wonderful, too, and it can only be experienced when I shut off my computer.  Of course, I'll always love the Internet, and you'll see me on the ol' computer at least once or twice or thrice a day.  But I'll always be striving for balance between the real world and the Internet world.  Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to peruse iwastesomuchtime.com while I eat lunch.  ;)

I Love Frogs

Growing up, my favorite animal was the horse.  In terms of traditional pets, I like dogs and then cats.  But what is my favorite animal of all time?  The frog!  Specifically, the tree frog.

 Image by yourlilmunchie

It all started when I found tadpole eggs behind my house back in 2004.  I was fascinated by the delicate eggs, and horrified when I saw various water bugs eating them!  I tried to build a sort of barrier between the eggs and their attackers, but nothing worked.  In the end, I decided to just let nature run its course, and went home.  But to my surprise, one of the tadpole eggs had stuck to my wrist (due to the sticky, jelly-like substance surrounding them).  I put the egg in a cup of spring water, and 4 days later, a t-i-n-y tadpole hatched.  Days passed, my tiny tadpole grew into a tree frog, and I've been in love with them ever since. 

My darling Tasolen eating a tasty cricket.

With the ferocity of a lion and the personality of a human, these little guys are awesome!  They can be tamed and held, although it can take time and patience.  They don't carry dangerous diseases like reptiles do.  They are fairly easy to take care of, although they do require live insects for their meals, so you can't be afraid to handle crickets.  :)  My beloved Tasolen the gray tree frog died in 2009, but I now have two green tree frogs named Lemon and Lime, like this guy here:

 Image by boron

I'm currently raising gray tree frog tadpoles and hope to sell some of them to fellow frog lovers!  If you are interested in learning more about my interest of frogs, you can check out my frog blog at www.frogforum.net.  I also hope to create my own frog care pamphlet for those interested in owning a tree frog of their own.  This post is a little random, and totally all over the place, but I just want to tell the world that I love frogs!  :)

 Image by mdmayberry